View Full Version : O/T Friday neet Joke time (adult theme)...

10-01-2014, 08:00 PM

5 men sitting at a bar...Mr Wenger,Mr Mourinho,Mr Rodgers,Mr Moyes and Mr Martinez..

The first round of beers was on Mourhino so he bought Portugese beers for each of the others...the second round was on Martinez so he bought everybody a San Miguel...The third round was on Wenger so he bought everyone a glass of red wine...The fourth round was on Rodgers so he bought everyone a pint except Moyes..

Clearly vexed Moyes said ..' Hey guys what about my pint?'

Rodgers looked at Moyes and said..Sorry David this is the 4th round..and you're not in it!

10-01-2014, 08:04 PM
Pulled a Gypsy bird last neet...she asked me if i wanted to go back to hers for a good time!

She wasn't feckin kidding...I went on the dodgems..the Waltzer..ghost train ate some Candy Floss and came home with a goldfish..:D

10-01-2014, 08:06 PM
Worries about the economy grow again after the world's biggest yacht company announced a drop in sails...

I'll get mi coat for that one! X-D

10-01-2014, 08:09 PM
I was laughing at this woman trying for ages to park her car when I suddenly realised how thoughtless I was being...so i called my mated to come watch ...they loved it!

10-01-2014, 08:11 PM
Statistically women think men are shallow because they constantly want their ego stroked...

Why would I want my ego stroked when I've got a c.cock! O:)

10-01-2014, 08:15 PM
The Wife found me on all fours in the bedroom dressed in my new schoolboy outfit...

biting my lip i said..'I'm a naught boy and need to be punished'...

So the bitch invited her Mother over for the weekend! :/

10-01-2014, 08:17 PM
My mates Wife has a peachy a.rse...

All bruised and feckin hairy...:O

10-01-2014, 08:22 PM
Bloke in Seattle asked his Wife for Anal sex the other day...

She said she'd let him up her dirt box when hell freezes over...

-24 in Seattle today tells me she better get lubed up!

10-01-2014, 08:23 PM
Eh Frog...What do French girls do after they comb their hair?

Pull up their knickers...

10-01-2014, 08:30 PM
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A fisherman ran up. The man screamed, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim, please, save her! I'll give you a hundred quid!"

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Dumping her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "There you go, where's my hundred pounds?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down under I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "How much do I owe you?"

10-01-2014, 08:39 PM
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yeah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

10-01-2014, 08:40 PM
A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him daily.

10-01-2014, 08:43 PM
A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra quid by reluctantly having the wife work the street corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made A?200.50p". He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 pence?" and she replies "all of them".

10-01-2014, 08:47 PM
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I ****ed her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

10-01-2014, 08:49 PM
I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just flogging a dead horse.

10-01-2014, 08:53 PM
A family are driving behind a bin lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

10-01-2014, 08:57 PM
Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First tramp says "Today i found 20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second tramp replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train station, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we ****ed all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"

"Nah, I couldn't find her head"

10-01-2014, 10:32 PM
Bloke in Seattle asked his Wife for Anal sex the other day...

She said she'd let him up her dirt box when hell freezes over...

-24 in Seattle today tells me she better get lubed up!

With the earlier joke about Peachy etched in my memory - thankfully Brin we have missed out on the Polar Vortex.