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villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:28 PM
it's been a tough old week in rovrum this week ...so let's chill ...here goes
Was sitting next to an Indian woman on the train today when she closed her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until i saw the red spot on her forhead and realised she was on standby.

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:29 PM
What do they give you for breakfast in a Swiss suicide clinic?

Cheerios.

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:30 PM
I've just stocked my fridge with beers for the World Cup, customised for each match.

I've got Grolsch for when Holland are playing, because it's Dutch; Beck's for when Germany are playing, because it's German; and Carling for when England are playing, because it's ****.

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:31 PM
i thought i saw Brian Blessed walking down the street wearing a dress

then i realised it was a muslim who had taken her Burka off

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:32 PM
What's the worst thing about having sex with your nan?

Getting the jizz out of her perm.







Only joking ...

It's getting the lid off the coffin

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:33 PM
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."


I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:35 PM
After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday there are two things you should know. Firsty she has a real tight pussy and its a real struggle to get in. Secondly the staff at Madam Tussads are miserable ******s with no sense of humour.

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:36 PM
Came home to find a note from the wife on top of the telly. "Its not working so i'm leaving," it read. So i plugged it in, turned it on, fecking nothing wrong with it!

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:38 PM
Paddy goes for a job interview as a lumberjack. What kind of experience have you got, the boss asks Paddy. Well, i used to be head lumberjack in the Sahara forest, says Paddy. Dont you mean the Sahara desert, the boss asks. Paddy replies, ah boss, thats what they call it now!

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:42 PM
My missus woke up this morning with a big
smile on her face this morning...







I fecking love felt tips!

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:44 PM
My wife asked me, if i won the lottery would i still love her. I replied, of course i would. I'd miss her, but i'd still love her!

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:45 PM
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:47 PM
I ordered a sex toy off the internet. A custom made scale replica of my wife's fanny.
I sat waiting for the postman for what seemed like ages.
He came down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented, the flaps torn and blowing in the breeze. I thought they could at least wrapped the fecking thing..

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:49 PM
After being woken by a loud fart my wife said, "Oh, for Christ's sake! It's me or that bloody dog, time to decide!"

I replied, "It was probably you, the dog's generally don't smell as bad as that."

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:51 PM
Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists









They did unspeakable things to me

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:52 PM
I was given some financial good news today..






The child ive been sponsoring in Africa
has been mauled to death by a lion.

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:53 PM
Warning

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:54 PM
Two Muslim terrorists were allowed to leave Wandsworth Prison after four years this morning

They've been complaining that they were tortured every day

Amnesty International has investigated, and concluded that

'showering' isn't torture.

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:55 PM
My wife says that I shouldn't use the word spastic

I said


"Well you write our son's birthday card then!"

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:56 PM
I fostered a Pakistani kid today



All four cans hit the little **** on the back of the head

villamiller
29-08-2014, 06:58 PM
I stole my nan's wedding ring today and took it to the local pawn brokers only to be told that it wasn't real.


How much of a c*nt is my grandad?

villamiller
29-08-2014, 07:34 PM
My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

villamiller
29-08-2014, 07:36 PM
I was watching a 18 cert film with my little boy earlier.
He said, Dad im getting scared is that lady going to die?
I said probably son, judging by the size of that horses cock!

villamiller
29-08-2014, 07:37 PM
I decided to make a horror film starring a dementia patient

It's called

"**** knows what you did last summer"

villamiller
29-08-2014, 07:38 PM
in order to save time and money

Leeds have sacked their next manager too

villamiller
29-08-2014, 07:40 PM
one for cheeks
Just got a new aftershave that smells like bread crumbs.

The birds fecking love it!!!!

villamiller
29-08-2014, 07:41 PM
mum cleaning her 12yr old sons bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags

she asks her husband

"what do i do?"

hubby

"i'm not sure,but i wouldn't f*cking spank him"

scum_triumphant
29-08-2014, 07:50 PM
Good evening Villa. How the bloody hell are you?

villamiller
29-08-2014, 07:53 PM
fantastic scumster ...just chillin with a few beers ...it's been a long hard week at work ..but finished now ...see you tomoz ;D ;D ;D

gramiller1959
29-08-2014, 08:05 PM
What do they give you for breakfast in a Swiss suicide clinic?

Cheerios.







XD BRILL XD

old_blue_eyes
29-08-2014, 09:14 PM
Rang in to work on the sick today ,Gaffer said how sick are you? ,im in bed with my sister was the reply

Ericsladkilnhurst
29-08-2014, 09:48 PM
Went round Sheffield on Wednesday, there was a beggar on the pavement, he said " I'm homeless have you any spare money, I haven't eaten for 5 days. "
I said " F*cking hell mate, I wish I'd got thy willpower ".


Has I'm walking away, I says " Knock knock " he says " Who's there ", I says " You lying B*stard, you told me you was homeless ".

Elite_Pie
29-08-2014, 10:15 PM
Her Majesty the Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.

HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Maíam. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then Iíll be a King?

HM: No, we donít like that.

AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HM: No.

AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then Iíll be a Prince?

HM: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.