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villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:12 PM
I was at the pool today and tried for a sneaky piss at the deep end

The lifeguard must have seen me






He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:17 PM
I just competed in the world blindfolded masturbating championships.

I have no idea where I came.

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:18 PM
for years i thought the wife had tourettes

but apparently i am a c*nt and she really does want me to f*ck off

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:20 PM
Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of HMV.
"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd ****ing love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset...I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into debenhams.

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:27 PM
Clear instructions


Wife texts husband on a cold April morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."


Wife texts back:
"Computer completely fuc#*d now

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:28 PM
I was stood at the bus stop with my wife and there was a little kid hanging around, swinging on the railings.

"Show us your cock, fatty!" he shouted.

After a while he said again, "Oi you! The fat b*stard with a beard! Show us your cock!"

"Aren't you going to say something to him?!" said my wife.

"Me? " I said, "I thought he was talking to you."

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:29 PM
I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation. It didn't work so I started pumping her chest

It probably wasn't the best time for a tit w*nk but what the hell

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:31 PM
When I saw my ex wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn't believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together







F*cking miserable

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:32 PM
I was in the pub last night when a fat girl walked over to me and said "Hello I'm Anita" I said I can ****ing see that.

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:34 PM
My wife said those ***** enlargement pills you're taking are definitely working. You're a bigger ***** today than you were yesterday.

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:35 PM
my thre year old son was trying to open a yoghurt this morning,after a few minutes he started getting stressed and said,

"stupid cu*nty lid"

my wife looked at me and said

"where's he got that from"

i said,

"the fridge"

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:37 PM
didn`t know that Danny Welbeck`s dad Stan was a bomb disposal expert.

loyalmiller
30-08-2014, 09:38 PM
I was walking through town yesterday when I spotted an old school friend of mine, not seen him since we were 7 about 45 years ago.

I rushed over to him and shouted hiya Peter and give him a big bear hug and an hard slap like we used to do at junior school.

It was only when he ran towards a young lady shouting 'mummy mummy' that it dawned on me PETER WOULD HAVE GROWN UP TOO!

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:41 PM
My wife said, switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she ever had to do.





Shes obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint!

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:42 PM
Armed police will be on guard during the olympics
unarmed police will be on guard during the paralympics

villamiller
30-08-2014, 09:44 PM
i went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation

he said "it must be very stressful for your wife"

i said

"to be perfectly honest its getting on her t*ts"

tony260674
30-08-2014, 09:53 PM
Villa, it appears you have found sicopedia. Nice one

thaimillerfan
01-09-2014, 04:45 PM
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"