PDA

View Full Version : OT - The Friday Night Joke ermmm no, Reality thread



howdydoo
09-01-2015, 05:47 PM
If you have totally lost your marbles this week and forgotten how far RUFC have progressed, since Steve Evans took over as manager, please print the following and stick it in a frame for yourself.


http://i62.tinypic.com/fnrf5z.png


PS. Brin, stick some jokes up, FFS.

lol

Brin
09-01-2015, 05:49 PM
If you have totally lost your marbles this week and forgotten how far RUFC have progressed, since Steve Evans took over as manager, please print the following and stick it in a frame for yourself.


http://i62.tinypic.com/fnrf5z.png


PS. Brin, stick some jokes up, FFS.

lol

On the way fella...;D

Brin
09-01-2015, 05:53 PM
Evenin...apologies not meaning to offend anyone so if easily offended don't read on...ps You know you will anyway! ;D


Speaking to Elliott Spencer I asked him about the impending wedding..

He said 'I love a Fry up!' :O

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:04 PM
Johnny’s girlfriend was in labour with their first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you t.wat!”

He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your a.rse but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

Archiemiller
09-01-2015, 06:04 PM
If you have totally lost your marbles this week and forgotten how far RUFC have progressed, since Steve Evans took over as manager, please print the following and stick it in a frame for yourself.


http://i62.tinypic.com/fnrf5z.png


PS. Brin, stick some jokes up, FFS.

lolEven better stick it on ya forehead,lets all have a laugh.XD XD

howdydoo
09-01-2015, 06:06 PM
At least I can stick it on my forehead.

You'd have to hang it on yours.


>;) >;) >;)

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:06 PM
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book...

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book...

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:22 PM
This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks, "That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.

So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappe

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:25 PM
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Johnny Brown showed me his todger today in the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:27 PM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases...

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also...

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:30 PM
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man

ScarboroughMiller
09-01-2015, 06:30 PM
My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the **** am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:33 PM
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

ScarboroughMiller
09-01-2015, 06:36 PM
I had just hung up my phone on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyonce, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum."

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:40 PM
[quote="ScarboroughMiller"

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum."[/quote]


XD XD XD XD XD XD



There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.

The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:43 PM
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: £1.50; Chicken Sandwich: £2.50; Hand Job: £10.00."

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Brin
09-01-2015, 06:46 PM
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." :P

howdydoo
09-01-2015, 07:32 PM
http://i58.tinypic.com/2dtx7b4.jpg

1960smiller
09-01-2015, 07:53 PM
If you have totally lost your marbles this week and forgotten how far RUFC have progressed, since Steve Evans took over as manager, please print the following and stick it in a frame for yourself.


http://i62.tinypic.com/fnrf5z.png


PS. Brin, stick some jokes up, FFS.We could go backwards just as quick as we did coming forward & that's not a fecking Joke.Carry on Brin sorry.

lol

Ericsladkilnhurst
09-01-2015, 11:53 PM
Paddy decides to take up boxing, goes for the medical,a few days later the doctor rings, Paddy youv'e got sugar diabetes, Paddy says thats quick when do I fight him.

Ericsladkilnhurst
10-01-2015, 12:15 AM
Miss Beatrice the church organist, was in her eighties & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all, one afternoon the Pastor came to call on her, & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat, while she prepared tea. Has he was sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minster noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a Condom.
When she returned with tea & scones,they began to chat, the Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, & he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this', pointing to the bowl. 'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful, I was walking through the park a few months ago, & I found this little package on the ground'. 'The direct

Ericsladkilnhurst
10-01-2015, 12:26 AM
Old Hilda went to bingo in her local club, she saw a old flame called Bill & they got talking about bygone days.
So at the end of the night they came out of the club together, old Bill said ' what about a sh*g for old times sake, so they went into grave yard next to club.
When Hilda got home, her husband was in bed reading the paper, so Hilda goes straight upstairs, so she strips off & bends over in front of the mirror, her husband says, 'Well Hilda, I've never noticed that before, Thi ar*e died in 1925'.

Ericsladkilnhurst
10-01-2015, 12:33 AM
A little boy goes home from school, & tells his dad he's got a part in the school play, as a man who's been married for twenty years.
His dad replies, ' Never mind son maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.'