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Brin
13-11-2015, 06:58 PM
Evenin…

Let's have a larf….



Stats show that the average person has sex 69 times a year….

Looks like i'm in for a wild December!

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:02 PM
I've heard that VillaMiller bought a deodorant stick today he'd never used one…he read the instructions 'Remove the top and slowly push up bottom'

He says he's in casualty but his farts smell lovely…..

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:03 PM
Doctor asks the prostitute …

'Do you know who the father is?'

She replies …'Oh for goodness sake..if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?'

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:08 PM
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider unti

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:12 PM
Q: Why did God give men C**ks?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

howdydoo
13-11-2015, 07:13 PM
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Rotherham job.

I knew it was a shyte squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:21 PM
A lengthy one but worth reading….

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!

gramiller1959
13-11-2015, 07:23 PM
A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:24 PM
A blind carpenter walks into a wood mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a wood yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some wood on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of wood on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, four by two, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of wood for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of wood on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and tak

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:26 PM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:30 PM
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.

" The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:31 PM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:34 PM
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick…

An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..."

He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:35 PM
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million quid!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fcuk me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:36 PM
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their c.ocks?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:39 PM
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:43 PM
Joe is on his last day at work as a postman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him £1. Joe asks what the £1 is all about.

The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him, give him a £1. …….The lunch was my idea."

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:45 PM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:47 PM
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:48 PM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"


See post 10….catch up fella XD

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:49 PM
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll shag you from behind”

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:51 PM
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... Looking for man with these qualifications: - won't beat me up - won't run away from - is great in bed. She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Brin
13-11-2015, 07:52 PM
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Adventus2012
13-11-2015, 07:53 PM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"


See post 10….catch up fella XD [/quote]


Soz Brin... at least mine was spelled right lol ;D :D

gwru
15-11-2015, 11:59 AM
My girlfriend said " It would be romantic If you sent me a love letter tied to a pigeon's leg. " In a effort to please her I've done exactly as she asked. Although, I had to kill it to make it stay in the envelope.

gwru
15-11-2015, 12:03 PM
" Give me a T. "
" T "
" Give me a T. "
" T "
" Oh, f*ck it. I'll go to another cafe. "