Obviously the Ashes matches will be won by the team that sledges best. For much of the last 40 years the Convicts have been overwhelmingly supreme at this aspect of the game. Their list of sledging greats includes such formidable talents as Boon, Border, Lillee, Marsh and Thompson who carried on from the previous masters such as Ian and Greg Chappell. Indeed there was a third Chappell brother, Trevor, who was a sledger of more than decent quality. Unfortunately for him, during his entire career Australia had a squad of at least 15 world class sledgers, so his opportunities for sledging above Sheffield Shield level were rare.

However, in recent times the Convicts have been and are weak in this aspect of the game. Several series ago McGrath reportedly trod on a cricket ball and injured his ankle the morning before the start of the 2nd Test at Edgbastard, but the reality was that he suddenly went hoarse, so clearly could not be selected.

The current Convict squad is fucking useless at sledging. Can anyone imagine that Mitchell Johnson has anything to offer in this respect, FFS! Indeed they may well be issued with ear-muffs.

Our squad is known to be immune to even high-quality sledging but the Convicts have got fuck all to offer.

As for our sledging it is the absolute best. My prediction for the forthcoming series is that although Swann will not be a prolific sledger he will probably produce the three or four best individual sledges of the entire series. Our Sledger Of The Series will be Anderson. He has the experience, quality and stamina to be at them all day sending down a consistent nagging stream of sarcasm, scorn and abuse that will gradually wear out the Convict twats.