My dog swallowed my phone so I had to ring his neck
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof
I never make mistakes. I thought I did once but I was wrong
My pet mouse Elvis died last night, He was caught in a trap
My dad attacked me with a vacuum cleaner yelling 'Dyson'
I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes, she had a nasty habit
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me I thought it was a nice jester
A freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
Why was the archeologist so depressed, because his whole life was in ruins
I cant believe I forgot to go to the gym today, thats five years in a row now
Started a band called 999 megabytes we haven't had a gig yet
What would happen if you swallowed tin foil, you would sheet metal
