OT The crap joke thread..................

I phoned a Chinese restaurant last night to order a take away.
Man answered the phone and said
"Hello I'm Wan King the chef"
I said "No worries I'll call back later"

**** sake ... nae crap jokes since February? 10 in the last year?? ... sad times ... Ach weel ...

Airchie: First time Ah saw the wummin fa wis tae be ma wife ... weel, she wis a vision ... a dream ... she wis like ... eeehh ...
Sandy: Aye? like fit? Ah'm listenin.
Airchie: Like ... eehhh ... like .. Fit isst ye cry thon fan yer in the dizzert an' ye see summin ye think is there but it's nae?
Sandy: Och ... A mirage!
Airchie: Aye Sandy, Ah ken fine yer a radge, but .... fit isst ye cry thon fan yer in the dizzert an' ........

Prince Charles and Camilla were touring India. When they were visiting a remote village, an old man said to Charles - "Diana hasn't aged very well.""

Sandy an' Airchie are in the Foreign Legion.

Ae lang, lang day, they are on sentry duty in the desert, there's nithin doin', nae a soul comin' nor gyannin', the twa o' them roastin het an' fed up.

Airchie pipes up ... tae brak the monotony mair than onythin else ...

"Sandy, div ye ken fit'n' a day it is i' day?

Sandy: "Aye, it's Setterday ...ye ken fine it's Setterday ye feel, fit wye ye askin'?"

Airchie: "Aye, aye, Ah ken at like, but div ye ye nae ken fit'n a day it is i' day?"

Sandy: "Ah dinna ken min .. isst yer birthday?"

Airchie: "Nah, nah, nithin lik 'at min ... think min"

Sandy: "Ah dinna ken min ... Mither's Day? Cup Final Day? Ah dinna ken"

Airchie: "Och come on Sandy min ... it's i' day o' the Turra Fair!"

Sandy: "The Turra Fair? Ach so it is. Ach weel ... thiv gotten a fine day for it"

A biology teacher decided she would set a task for her students over the Easter holidays.

She handed each student a glass jar containing a spider, and asked that they report back after the holidays regarding their observations regarding the behaviour of their 'subjects'

Te holidays came and went, and the students were back in class, with their glass jars - some spiderless - and their reports.

Most of the class had little to offer worthy of note, but one girl's story stood out.

She reported:

"I spent 5 days training my spider to obey commands.

"When I said 'move forward' my spider moved forward.

"When I said 'move backwards' my spider moved backwards.

"Then I pulled his legs off.

"And then, when I said 'move forwards' he stayed still.

"and when I said 'move bavkwards' ... again, he stayed still"

The teacher smiled and asked:

"So what conclusions do you draw from your experiment?"

To which the girl replied:

"Well, it seems to me, when you remove a spider's legs, they go deaf!"

Husband takes his wife to a disco. Theres a guy on the dancefloor giving it loads, breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works. the wife turns to her husband and says...

"See that guy dancing, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down"

The husband replied.....

"Looks like hes still f@cking celebrating"

It's the Yalta Conference, during which Churchill, Stalin and Roosevelt are discussing the imminent post-war governance and reconstruction of Europe. Whilst they are allies (and we ken fa really did the heavy lifting), there is a perennial air of mistrust and paranoia around.

Churchill is seen passing a note to an aide, which, when he disposes of it, is retrieved by a CCCP civil servant and passed to Stalin. "The dead bird never leaves the cage" is the message.

Immediately, the text is telegraphed to Moscow, where the Turingskis get to work on cracking the code to some secret being kept from Uncle Joe, no doubt a plot to undermine the plans of the Soviet Union to bring peace to the eastern lands of Europe through fraternal co-operation and benign social policy, respect for the Revolution and its inevitable Marxist/Leninist outcome, as the continent's proletariat throws off its chains and that.

Despite the best efforts of the Soviet code-expert mannies, the code remains unbroken, some say encrypted, and Stalin decides that he has to confront the British delegation.

"Mr Churchill", he begins, "We have reason to believe, via a note from you to your aide, that there is jiggery-pokery, otherwise tom-foolery, or even just coming the ****, going on. We came here in peace, and hoped to work in an atmosphere of trust and co-operation. Alas, we feel that there are underhand machinations going on, evidenced by this message, "The dead bird never leaves the cage". Unless there is an explanation of this that is satisfactory to us, we will be obliged to halt these talks and begin whatever action seems fit to protect the interests of the Revolution and our dear people".

"Joe, Joe, Joe, comrade", puffed Winston behind a cloud of cigar smoke, "It's quite innocent. My note was in response to my aide's note which informed me that my spaver was unbuttoned".

“I keep randomly shouting out broccoli and cauliflower – I think I might have florets”

The funniest joke at the Fringe. Must have been a slow festival

Anyone like the legend that was Chick Murray ? .Some of his one liners.

● We’ve got stained glass windows in our house – it’s those damned pigeons.
● A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
● Kippers – fish that like a lot of sleep.
● It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
● After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn’t wash my Y-fronts for a month.
● She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
● We were so poor – the ultimate luxury in our house was ashtrays without advertisements.
● The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
● I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
● If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
● I won’t say I was slow developer but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
● The boat was so old, it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
● If it weren’t for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with strangers.
● It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.

Racialist.