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Last night my missus started screaming at me ......."Give it to me, give it to me...oh God, I'm so f*cking wet, give it to me right now!!!"

I told her......... "You can scream all you want, but...

My doctor's just told me they've found a cure for dyslexia.

It was music to my arse...

Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whisky please".

The barman says "Bells alright"?

Quasi replies "Mind your own f**king business"

A guy goes to prison for the first time and finds himself sharing a cell with the biggest guy he has ever seen.

On the first night the guy leans over and says, "Alright, mate. You and me are gonna...

I once had to play a game of football on a pitch with hard core scattered on it, 2nd leg of a cup semi-final

We lost on aggregate...

I asked my mate how he managed to get lots of fat birds into bed with relative ease.

He said it was a piece of cake........

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

She tapped at her keyboard and looked at the screen.

"It's not coming up," she frowned.

I said "Yep, that's the...

After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on my mobile.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

"A taxi" I replied "I'm not walking to the kerb from here."

I said to my wife, "lets go out to eat tonight."
She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply.
So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked...

I phoned the radio station yesterday.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand...

I rolled off the wife and huffed. "Christ, it's like sh*gging an inflatable doll," I complained. She didn't reply, just stared at me in shock, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

"You're not helping...

My missus asked me "What's your all time favourite opening line to a movie?"

I thought for a moment, and said "I've come to fix the washing machine...."

I'm not saying my girlfriend is flat-chested.

But the label on her bra reads "Contents may settle in transit".

Some really tragic news from the Nestle factory. A man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate bars.

He tried crying for help, but every time he shouted "the Milky Bars are on...

What do dyslexic Zombies eat?

brians

Taking the wife fishing

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like...

An advertising company have offered me a night of no holds barred *** with two 20 year old ladies in exchange for advertising some brand of cleaner. I of course declined, as I am a person of high...

BREAKING NEWS: Trumps Library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished colouring the second one.

Today, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I have been banned from the gym....

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

"I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its...

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's is...

Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of ***y ****agers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!"

She didn't reply, but I could tell she was...

There's a long legged bird keeps standing outside across the road, watching my house and following me when I go out.

...... I think I'm being storked

I've started to routinely look out for the nurse who visits our pregnant next door neighbour every day. The thing is I'm not sure if it is actually her I fancy, or if I've got a nurses uniform...