I am sorry you are down on your luck. If you give me the address of your night shelter, i will send you a cheque for a grand. I hope you still have a bank account.
I know most of it will go on drugs, booze, gambling or prostitutes, i hope some will go on tea and a sausage and tomato sandwich.
I will address it to Kelvin(not a Rochdale fan) Smith. Or Jones.
In the meantime, pick out a terraced house and i will buy it and do it up. Dont worry about where it is, there are no decent areas up north.!!

If you sell it thats ok, at least ive done my best. I will come up in one of my BMWs before you move in to see it. You will need blood tests in regards to venereal diseases. Dont forget to comb your hair in the mornings. Thats ok if you now abuse me, i expect it.

If youve got more than one pair of socks, put them on, its getting cold.

Sir Jason Douglas Mortimer.