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While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.
" The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick…
An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..."
He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"
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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million quid!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have *** all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fcuk me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
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A ****age girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their c.ocks?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the ****ager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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Joe is on his last day at work as a postman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.
After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him £1. Joe asks what the £1 is all about.
The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him, give him a £1. …….The lunch was my idea."
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having *** with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Originally Posted by Adventus2012
See post 10….catch up fella
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