The Tavern was empty

[ozfan]

Ok. That's better. If you could just persuade him to shake new punters hands without him first checking to see if they have claret and blue clay soil under their fingernails, then that would be a big help too.

If you'd only invested a little more in your counterfeit wage IOU's, and got a nice fake watermark added too, like I suggested, then I might have been fooled by said fake wage IOU's, thus saving you the extra cost of having them reprinted.

Like I told you before, if you'd gone to the surgery, had the 20 years of ear wax, the ball of string, 3 paper clips and shortbread crumbs that you had stashed in your ears in the event of a VM emergency, then you might have heard that I was actually asking you if you had any dogs. Well, if Yubby was getting a kitten, then I thought it only fair that I get a puppy too. Next thing I knew, I was having a ball and chain clamped to my ankle, before being forced to sign said slave labour contract. Probably a counterfeit one at that, too.

Well, that's the first time in all these years I have heard you utter the word please. Obviously mixing with high class gals such as myself, LMV, and Rosie has done you the world of good. Sort of kind of.

Wasn't the sign meant to read "2 hot buns for the price of one"?. The special ones you keep hidden away behind the bar. You've been promising to show them to us for ages now.

I find the insubordination astounding here. THE IOU's by their very nature cannot be counterfeit. They are a declaration of a personal debt. Every one of those represents a weeks wages. Almost as good as cash as my word is my bond.

Dog or Job it made no difference it was still a big fat no. No. If someone says they don't have a dog it generally means you stop asking them if they do.

I use please on a regular basis. Please don't stop. Please shut up. Please stop screaming.

Now. Please. Go. Wiggle. The. Sign.

[MissWinnie]

Hi anyone here?

My first time around these parts so I thought I would pop in and soak up the atmosphere. BB looking smart in his pink jacket and platforms gives a nice 1970's look to the place.


Could I have a cocktail please anything with vodka would be appreciated and do you have one of those brollys and swizzle sticks?

Rosie! Welcome! I can't tell you how pleased I am to finally get some sophisticated company in here at last. I see you didn't have any trouble getting past BB then. I told you those ***y white Abba boots would work a treat.

Ignore the tight wad one. I'll get you a fresh brolly from his personal collection straight away.

[MissWinnie]

I find the insubordination astounding here. THE IOU's by their very nature cannot be counterfeit. They are a declaration of a personal debt. Every one of those represents a weeks wages. Almost as good as cash as my word is my bond.

Dog or Job it made no difference it was still a big fat no. No. If someone says they don't have a dog it generally means you stop asking them if they do.

I use please on a regular basis. Please don't stop. Please shut up. Please stop screaming.

Now. Please. Go. Wiggle. The. Sign.

Insubordination? You promised me that you would be an egalitarian kind of slave labour employer as you clamped that chain around my ankle. The agreement was, that as long as I call you Master, and quickly and willingly respond to the whims of the ring ding a dinging of that over-sized bell that you insist on carrying round in your dressing gown, day or night, then freedom of speech would be mine. As long as I didn’t mind being gagged when I talked too much, that is.

Cash? I don’t want IOU’s for cash. Chocolate biscuits we agreed. One for elevenses and one for midnight munchies. Double coated choccy chip ones on a Friday, and for good behaviour. You’ll need to get them re-printed. Oh, and they can be counterfeit if I want them to be counterfeit. Logic has no place in my imagination.

You always told me that the word no wouldn’t be allowed to exist in my vocabulary. I assumed it was because you didn’t know what it meant.

Oh, and I’ve repainted the sign to correct your error. It now reads “Free hot Australian buns for all”. After all, everyone likes a bargain, don’t they, Master. I’ll go wiggle your buns outside on the pavement then. Straight away. Come along now, Master. Don’t be shy.

[ozfan]

Did you just use the word free? How does free make enough money to keep you willingly enslaved with chocolate biscuits ?

I understood the word no. It's why i used it.So many times. You on the other hand didn't really seem to grasp the concept at all. But anyway all water under the bridge. Next week you can cash three of those iou's with my mate fat Tony.

Now you've buggered up my sign you'll have to paint a new one. Hmmm let's see now.


How about.

COME LOOK AT MY JUGS

of lager

[MissWinnie]

But … but … you told me your hot Australian buns make you lots of money. Easy money you said. The ladies can’t get enough of them you said. You know, in your secret second job where you … where you … umm… Oh. I appear to be blushing now, so I’ll leave it there for now. Nevertheless, I do think that if the Tavern is to be a success, it needs to shake off its pie and a pint men only image – all crumpled Villa tops with dubious stains, packets of vaping fags scattered everywhere, and that rather unsavoury “We’re all boys together and we’ll burp like real men if we want to” kind of attitude you all seem to have. (Wrinkles nose at this point.). We need to take advantage of the power of the fairer ***’s twenty pence coins. And that means attracting the ladies. In plain Australian, just so there can be no misunderstandings, it means a sign for free hot Australian buns. The ladies will be downing s w a n k y cocktails before you can say “Winnie, you’re brilliant!”. Yubby’s already volunteered to be a Tom Cruise lookalikey cocktail shaker and you can be the rough, but attractive Aussie bar landlord. Displaying the hot buns. Oh and I hope you don’t mind, I found your personal secret stash of pink cocktail brollies while I was snooping when I was supposed to be cleaning. Very pretty. Very you. I’ve given one to Rosie. We need to maintain standards here, Master.

And don’t call my Dad fat. He’s cute and cuddly. And I don’t think he’d be too impressed with your cheap and tacky jugs sign either. He turns a blind eye to his daughter being employed as a willing slave for choccy biccies, but he draws the line at his any of his offspring wiggling jugs signs. He’s a high up member of the secret Modulitus Society, you know. He has power. And influence. He can remove your Tavern licence quicker than you can warm up your buns. And then where would we be. No, the sign can stay as it is. Now I understand you know what no means, I feel free to say it. No. Ooooh that feels soooo empowering. I like it. Hopefully, you won’t ignore me as much as I ignore you. Which is always.

Ok. Hot buns. Now, follow me into the kitchen, Master. There’s some serious kneading that needs doing

[ozfan]

Winnie. It's not a gay bar. My buns will not put bums on seats. A few ago yes of course () but alas the march of time means my buns hang like a soggy bag of onions.

There is a tavern for the Villa lads and lasses to chill back with some live music and mingle. There is Villa history on the walls for patrons to bathe in the glories of our rich history. Cool jukebox, open fire, made for mingling.

I don't know your Dad but if he already has the name fat tony then he's probably fat. Unless he does eighty on a hundred he's not my fat Tony. He wanted to be known as solid Tony but it wouldn't stick.

Anyway I've got a bar to run no time for a feminist rant. Don't hold the sign if it's that offensive. More customers more tips....or biscuits.

Oh. I had a call from the lakes ranger. Someone has been feeding the ducks chocolate biscuits and they've been quacking all night long keeping everybody up.

[MissWinnie]

Who mentioned a gay bar? I'm sure that the ladies who would come flooding through the Tavern door in pursuit of your famous buns aren't in the slightest bit gay. However, if they were, they would be more than welcome, of course. Your lovely buns most certainly show no hint of sogginess. Just a little warming up and customers will be queuing up to sink their teeth into them. They may, however, wish to give them a little squeeze first, just to test them out, so no squealing.

However, quite surprisingly, I actually like your concept and atmospheric design of the Tavern and will admit that you actually did a good job. We just need to get more punters through the door to soak up atmosphere.

My mistake. I thought you were being rude and cheeky about my beloved Dad (again) who also happens to be a friend of yours. You do know him. You cheek him most days. Having done some research into your friend, he sounds like a bit of a gangster type. Too many of your dodgy cocktails seem to have turned him yellow. Am I right? Maybe if you spent less time on that bottom of yours watching "bad influence" tv, then you'd be able to make some nicer friends. Just a suggestion.

Talking of telly's have you got it rigged up for the Wales v England game yet? That should get a few of the regulars back in. We can look out and see if we can spot Blackpool in the crowd singing "Wonderwall" while the rest of England crowd are singing "Engerland". Favourite tipple offered as an incentive for the winner? Gosh, I am sooooo full of ideas. Whatever would you do without my willing slave labour?

Feminist rant? Just because I'm new bezzie friends with Germaine Greer and she got me to burn my bra whilst simultaneously refusing to wiggle jugs signs doesn't mean I'm ranting. I said no nicely, didn't I? She's also going to have a word with you later about your slave labour equal opps policies. Yubby tells me he gets paid half a choccy biccie more than me every day. AND you never ask him to wave silly signs. I already get lots of customer tips. Mainly saying "get yourself a better boss".

Nothing to do with me. I still haven't been paid my choccy biccies so I can't feed them to the ducks. I suspect the quacking the lake ranger heard was you gassbagging on the phone all night. Again. Keeping us all awake. Honestly, some people just can't stop jaw jawing. Anyone would think you'd been a girl in a previous life.