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Thread: OT The crap joke thread..................

  1. #361
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    Nicked from Jerry Sadowitz:

    If you pour boiling water over someone from Dundee you get a new flavour of Pot Noodle.

  2. #362
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    Which famous artist has got brown fingers?

    Pickasso.........

  3. #363
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    My Mrs says I am crap in bed, but I've but never heard her moaning.........................

  4. #364
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    I had a job interview yesterday, & I was asked what my qualities are.

    I said "I can perform under pressure"

    "Thats good" said the bloke, "Can you give me an example?"

    I replied:
    Mm ba ba de
    Um bum ba de
    Um bu bu bum da de
    Pressure pushing down on me................................................

  5. #365
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    Just read a book about vintage hi-fi enthusiasts and It was rubbish, full of outdated stereotypes........................

  6. #366
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    Two Dundonians walking down Union Street and they both see a sign in a Shop Window that say's...
    "Suits from 10, Jackets 7.50, Trousers & Dresses 5.00."
    One say's to the other '' Look at those prices'' ''We could buy a boatload and take them home to Dundee and treble our money''
    They both go into the shop and say to the Assistant....
    ''I would like Twenty Suits, Thirty Jackets, Fifty pairs of Trousers and Twenty five dresses please''
    The Assistant say's ''Are you two from Dundee ?''
    ''Yes'' they say, ''How do you know that?''
    The Assistant says...
    ''This is a Dry Cleaners''........................

  7. #367
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    Got my viagra and sleeping pills mixed up yesterday. Went off to have forty ****s.

  8. #368
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    Quote Originally Posted by sheepcrooky View Post
    Got my viagra and sleeping pills mixed up yesterday. Went off to have forty ****s.
    w.a.n.k.s !!

  9. #369
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    Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter ****e..............because it Disneyland.

  10. #370
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    Quote Originally Posted by sheepcrooky View Post
    Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter ****e..............because it Disneyland.
    s.h.i.t.e. !!! Are there any words allowed here nowadays.

  11. #371
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    Quote Originally Posted by sheepcrooky View Post
    Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter ****e..............because it Disneyland.
    Like it

  12. #372
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    A young Indian brave approached the wise man of the village and said “I have a question, oh great one”.

    “Of course” said the wise man, “Please continue”.

    “Why is it that we have such descriptive names? Each member of the tribe has been given a name that seems exotic, yet I do not know how these came about.”

    “A good question,“ replied the wise man, “And it is one for which there is a logical answer.”

    He puffed on his pipe of peace and continued.

    “When our tribe is blessed with a new member, the doors of the tepee in which the precious infant is born are thrown open and whatever the proud father sees first, that is used as a name for the new brave or squaw. For example, your cousin, Blue Mountain was so called because of the sight that greeted your uncle as he opened the tepee doors after that infant was born. Likewise, Running Bear was baptised thus due to his father having spied a grizzly making his way quickly back to the forest when he first looked out following the birth of his son.”

    “So, my brother, Two Rivers, was named because my father looked from the tepee door and was met by the sight of the mighty twin rivers by our reservation joining in confluence beneath the blue mountain?” asked the brave seeking confirmation of his understanding.

    “That is correct, my son”, responded the wise old man kindly.

    “And my father was named Grey Wolf by his father because when father was born a grey wolf was seen on the perimeter of the reservation?”

    “Indeed. Now, Two Dogs Shagging, do you have any further questions or is that all?”.

  13. #373
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    Accordion to a recent survey, if you replace a word with a musical instrument, no-one notices..........

  14. #374
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    Quote Originally Posted by leontrotsky View Post
    Accordion to a recent survey, if you replace a word with a musical instrument, no-one notices..........

  15. #375
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    A couple go to a party, but when they get there, they realise it’s a fancy dress party. Being late at night and all the shops are closed, they decided to improvise.

    The dark haired woman runs over to the garden, takes of all her clothes and rubs her hands and feet in the earth. She goes back to the party, and the host says “what have you come as”. She jumps into a star-like pose and says “the 5 of spades”.

    The man then strips down to his boxers and asks to get in as well. The host says “what have you come as”, to which the man says “I am a premature ejaculation, i’ve come in my pants”.

  16. #376
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    Sharon & Tracey are involved in a car crash. The paramedic called to the scene is checking Sharon over.
    "How many fingers am I holding up?", says the paramedic.
    "Bloody 'ell Trace", Sharon wails, "I'm numb from the bleedin' waist down"......…..

  17. #377
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    Englishman: "That your dog?"
    Welshman: "Yep."
    Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
    Welshman: "Dog dont talk but."
    Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
    Dog: "Doin' all right."
    Welshman: (Look of shock!)
    Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
    Dog: "Yep."
    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."
    Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
    Horse: "Cool."
    Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
    Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
    Horse: "Yep."
    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
    Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep

    Welshman: "That sheep's a bloody liar mate”.

  18. #378
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    Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?

    He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"........................

  19. #379
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    My Grandad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. All through his illness he kept insisting, "Be positive."
    Good ol' Grandad , ever the optimist............

  20. #380
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    I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
    He cried.
    Then he hugged me and my sister...……..

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