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Thread: OT The crap joke thread..................

  1. #251
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    4,193
    My son was disappointed when he opened up his birthday present and it was a pile of flattened cardboard.

    I said to him, "it was an ex-box you asked for, wasn't it?".

  2. #252
    Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
    Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

    Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
    The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

    Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
    Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

    The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
    Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”
    The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

  3. #253
    A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

    "I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare.

    "Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes.

    "Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts the dwarf up and shows him her teeth.

    "Nithe teeth, Can I thee her twot?". So the dealer lifts him up and shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

    "I'll reefwaze that, Can I thee her wun awound?" ...

  4. #254
    Today, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I have been banned from the gym....

  5. #255
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    2,523
    i bumped into my ex today







    the police are calling it vehicular manslaughter however......

  6. #256
    BREAKING NEWS: Trumps Library has burned down.

    The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished colouring the second one.

  7. #257
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    2,523
    I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.
    I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

    She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof ***uality I could not resist.

    I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.

    As I got closer to the promised land I could hear the panting get louder.

    I thought to myself...

    "I really wish her guide dog would **** off!'

  8. #258
    An advertising company have offered me a night of no holds barred *** with two 20 year old ladies in exchange for advertising some brand of cleaner. I of course declined, as I am a person of high moral standards and have strong willpower.

    Just as strong as Cif, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Available scented with Lemon, Pine and Vanilla

  9. #259
    Taking the wife fishing

    A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

    The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

    "Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

    "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

    "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

    The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

    "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

    The wife sits and thinks about it.

    Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

    The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

    "Great!" He says and drops his pants.

    The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all s***ty!"

    "Yeh" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

  10. #260
    What do dyslexic Zombies eat?

    brians

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