Joke thread

[tooslomofo]

What is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea??

















I wouldn’t spend £150 to have a lentil on my face

[michaelowen]

Family down the road in sunderland were burgled last night. The dirty burglars had a ****e in a pan of broth.



The poor sunderland family had to throw half of it away.....

[ashingtoon62]

What's the definition of a dyslexic,agnostic suffering from insomnia?

Someone that lies awake all night,wondering if there really is a dog....

[Zippity]

Can't remember if I've posted this before but here goes...

Pregnant lass is shopping in Fenwick's when her waters break. In a panic, she phones her Mum. She's hysterical so her Mum tries to calm her down:

'it's fine, pet, it's fine. Now tell me, where are you ringing from?'

The lass replies 'from me fanny to me feet-why's that important?'

[waalsendmick]

two Geordie donkeys in a rowing boat....

... one say eeee aaawww

the other says Phuck off, yee oar!!

[Jammy89]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk in to a bar. . . What is this, some kind of joke.

[tooslomofo]

My wife sent my a get better soon card today


I’m not I’ll just bad in bed

[ex_pat_magpie]

Prudence.
The elderly Cohen after having *** with his wife Miriam said "Ah my lovely Miriam that was as special as ever and here is the fiver you charge me each time".

Miriam shuffles under the bed and says to Cohen "You've been really good to me over the 60 years we've been married so I'd like us to go on a cruise"

Cohen is flaberghasted and says "But Miriam I can't affod that"

She replies by pulling a large suit case from under the bed, opens it and it's full of fivers.

"But where did these come from " asks Cohen and Miriam shyly replies " Every time we make love and you give me a fiver I save it in the suitcase, so there it all is. The total value of our love life"

Astounded Cohen replies "Oh my lovely, darling Miriam if I'd known you were so prudent I'd have given you all of my business"




Sabbath ***.
Barry wonders if having *** on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if *** is work or play.
So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that *** is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about ***?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply. "*** is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."
Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, *** is definitely play."
Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me *** is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If *** were work, my wife would have the maid do it.


The flasher
Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"


The brothel visit
The madam of a brothel answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--"
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several of her girls line up for the rabbi. The rabbi tottered from one girl to another until he reached Rosie, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary money and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an adroitness and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." “Really, rabbi? Then please take a nap."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
Of course, rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet for five minutes as the rabbi slept. Then he woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for to Rosie's delight he was even better the second time than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is a thousand pounds in cash."

[andyj73]

Family down the road in sunderland were burgled last night. The dirty burglars had a ****e in a pan of broth.



The poor sunderland family had to throw half of it away.....

.. What does a Geordie lass use as a *** aid .. A bus stop ..

.. (Disclaimer) My youngest sister is a Geordie lass .. See what I have done there ..

[andyj73]

.. Fella walking his dog through the cemetery. Woman says morning. Fella says no, just walking the dog ..