Joke thread

[ex_pat_magpie]

.. What does a Geordie lass use as a *** aid .. A bus stop ..

.. (Disclaimer) My youngest sister is a Geordie lass .. See what I have done there ..

What is your oldest sister then Andy?

[ex_pat_magpie]

Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each went into a retirement home of their respective religions.
But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we f**k."

[tooslomofo]

Are you Jewish by any chance pat?

[tooslomofo]

I scared the postman today by going to the door in the nude.....


I’m not sure what surprised him more, my nakedness or the fact I knew where he lived.

[waalsendmick]

wot lass is obsessed with raves.... she twisted her tits all weekend trying to get me to take her to one....


... she just wouldn't techno for an answer!

[Cannylad]

My wife made me join a bridge club, I jump off next Tuesday.

[Cannylad]

The hardy Geordie !

Cold is relative ( bear with it until the end ! )

50 Degrees - New Yorkers turn on the heating - people in Newcastle plant
gardens !

40 Degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably - people in Newcastle
sunbathe !

35 Degrees - Italian cars will not start - people in Newcastle drive with
the windows
down ( those who have cars ) !

20 Degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves and wool hats - people in
Newcastle throw on a T- Shirt ( girls throw on a wet one ) !

15 Degrees - Californians begin to evacuate - people in Newcastle go
swimming (some without their underpants ) !

Zero Degrees - New York landlords turn up the heat - people in Newcastle
have the last BBQ before it gets cold !

Minus 10 degrees - people in Miami cease to exist - people in Newcastle
throw on a lightweight jacket !

Minus 80 Degrees - Polar bears wonder if it's worth it - Boy Scouts in
Newcastle postpone winter survival courses until it gets colder !

Minus 100 Degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole - people in
Newcastle pull down their earmuffs and pull on their long johns !

Minus 173 Degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes - people in Newcastle get
frustrated because they cannot thaw their kegs!

Minus 297 Degrees - Microbial life starts to disappear - Newcastle cows
complain of farmers with cold hands !

Minus 500 Degrees - Hell freezes over - Newcastle United win a trophy!!!!!

[waalsendmick]

why should you always wear 2 pairs of underpants in the Soviet union?


in case of Chernobyl fall out...

[ex_pat_magpie]

Are you Jewish by any chance pat?

No I'm not but 40 odd years ago I lived next door to a youngish Rabbi and we became very good friends. His name was Dr. David Minkoff and he wrote, compiled and published at least three "Books of Jewish Jokes, Naughty and Otherwise."

After a few years he got promoted and went to Tel Aviv and I also moved so we lost touch, but he was one amazing fellow with a huge sense of humour.

[pboromag]

me next door neighbour is asian and wanted to settle into the english way of life
take me to the pub pboro and get me drunk on real ale
so we did

i want to play a pub sport join a team beocome part of the community he said

ok the easiest one to learn is Darts

great he said where do i play

in goal i said