OT....I am being stalked by a Giant Rabbit

[tarquinbeech]

Seriously, this rabbit has a giant head, small body and massive orange ears tinged with a white furry lining......and it all started a few weeks ago when I visited British Honduras.

I was happily enjoying my hours swimming on the Caribbean~Mexican beach and drinking copious cheap beers, surrounded by nubile young hippy chicks that seemed to think that my physique resembled an ex~Aussie surfer, when Miriam got pissed at me and demanded that we go shopping across the border in the duty~free zone.

Promising me that I could acquire a new pair of Billabong shorts there, she set off for the chicken bus with me waving goodbye to the girls.
After being dropped near the border and flagging down a taxi for the last mile or so, we ended up at the wrong border crossing and was eyed suspiciously by the mounted machine~gunners in the army trucks as we did a u~turn and headed for the duty~free crossing another mile or so along the border.
I am always nervous about leaving Mexico, just in case they do not allow me back in for some bizarre reason ie my passport is starting to resemble that of a rampant drug~mule rapidly filling up his pension pot, but luckily I recognised the two girls in the passport booth who waved cheerily to me as I hopped in a rickshaw thingy.....so far so good.

Miriam dived straight into the nearest clothes store across the Hondo River, I spotted a store with cheap beer in the fridge in the doorway....bingo....then things got a little strange.....the Indian store~owner and his wife thought I was American and asked me if I wanted to buy a kilo of Edam cheese complete with the wax covering to take North with me?
Why would an aging English beach~bum want cheese, especially when it had been reported that it was a favorite method of smuggling drugs due to the strong smell putting off the sniffer dogs.....I am not a fool.
Two beers later, Miriam appeared with a bag stuffed with shiny things, as women do, and the guy tries to sell her the cheese....she immediately bought the huge thing as it was "only" £3ish.
Now for anyone who follows my exploits, this is the same woman that literally forced me to smuggle 30 XXL bras into Cuba because "the nice man at the airport said it was not really illegal, plus he would drive us from Havana Airport to our hotel for free".....on that occasion I nearly ended up having a night in the slammer with Pablo the bum~bandit after our 1930s taxi was pulled over by the police and local wonga changed hands....phew
Back to the cheese.....he now sees me vaping and sells me 12 assorted vaping juices, Italian labels, for the ridiculous cheap price of a few beers, I tried to buy more but he said it would make the border guards suspicious....then he offered me a 16oz tub of dried Badia mustard powder, he said, would go nicely with the cheese, again really really cheap.

Obviously I am a bit worried about getting all this stuff through customs, but he calls over a taxi, rattles away to the driver and tells me that he will not only get me through, but also drive us back to our resort 30 miles away...mmmm

We are almost up to the Giant Rabbit.......we sail through customs, the passport~customs girls just smiled at me and waved us straight through....the machine~gunners never even looked at us.
I get chatting to the taxi driver telling him that I am not sure why I ended up with a giant cheese and 16oz of sickly~looking mustard powder, but he tells me it is popular up on the USA border....I told him I am English and live south of the border in a motel.
2 days later, at Cancun Airport 5am flying north, the Customs guys are all over the cheese....it is like a comedy sketch....I am pulled over, the cheese went back and to through the scanner, the queue behind me are all laying odds on me being frog~marched off in handcuffs....the officials look confused....it is cheese....hahahaha....I was sweating to be honest.
Home, cheerio to Miriam who is off on a one~month audit of every hospital in the State, taxi, bus, taxi ....home.

We are nearly up to the Giant Rabbit....no problems whilst I was away, new swimming pool looks nice, pay off the workers....beers, relax.
Feeling a bit peckish, I bust into the cheese, which is still definitely Dutch finest Edam.....ooops, no brown sauce, no relish....so I open the Badia mustard powder which looks a bit pasty~coloured and dip my finger......now, it definitely is not Colmans, but I mix a bit in a shot glass from the bar and slop it on the cheese sarnie as I make my way into the fields to check the fenceline in case some local toerag has infiltrated.

That is when I got the sweats, slightly dizzy, nose started running.....and the Giant Rabbit appeared....I first spotted him on the fence running along the side~road, near the local village.....he was the strangest thing ever, just sat there staring at me...I got closer, feeling dizzy, he literally winked at me and ambled away.

Three days in a row he has been there waiting for me....plus I am pretty sure I saw him outside my window last night, peering in the bedroom.

I have decided that the cheese is what he is after so I have bagged it up and put it in the freezer....though I must admit that the Badia Mustard has become quite addictive, I am spreading it on everything now, burgers, ham sandwiches, chicken bites....the dizzy spells have eased off, the nose is still running....but it is the Giant Rabbit that is worrying me......plus I spotted that same taxi driver from the border sat in the carpark opposite, watching my driveway this morning.....weird

[queenslandpie]

El Chapo meets Notts Mad. When you stop posting I know the bribe money ran out.

[tarquinbeech]

El Chapo meets Notts Mad. When you stop posting I know the bribe money ran out.

I am not normally a scaredy~cat, but I keep hearing noises outside my bedroom door.....rustle rustle, rustle rustle....so I set two giant mousetraps with a piece each of thawed Edam cheese, I did not want to use the Badia Mustard paste because I am really cranking into it myself now and do not want to waste any....literally loving the stuff....BOOM, one went off straight away....so I unlocked my bedroom door, removed the chair jammed under the handle, removed the sofa and table, slid the security chain and the three sliding bolts.....and sneaked a peek whilst brandishing a machete and a loaded .22 rifle.

I half expected to see a Giant angry Rabbit running around with a giant mousetrap stuck on his ears.....nope, the tiniest mouse I have ever seen, BUT it had a giant head and massive ears....honestly.....it was looking at me with tears in his eyes making little squeaky noises so I brought it in next to the bed with me whilst I was typing......I would send everyone a pic to prove it, but my camera lead has gone missing.....I just rang Miriam in her hotel room....she says maybe the Giant Rabbit has stolen it....I think she is making fun of me...it is much more likely to be the mouse and his family that are the culprits

[andy6025]

Good story, Tarkers! But it sounds like the mustard is laced. Best ween off it slowly. The taxi driver is literally waiting for you to emerge with the shakes demanding to be taken for more at whatever cost he insists upon. You can beat this, mate!

[maddogslater]

ha, that was a good read.

[andy6025]

Uh oh, no update on the giant rabbit. Hopefully Tarkers keeps out if the sun or he might look like a giant carrot.

[ncfcog]

Maybe he got the 'munchies' and ate the rabbit?!

[Romanis]

Seriously, this rabbit has a giant head, small body and massive orange ears tinged with a white furry lining......and it all started a few weeks ago when I visited British Honduras.

I was happily enjoying my hours swimming on the Caribbean~Mexican beach and drinking copious cheap beers, surrounded by nubile young hippy chicks that seemed to think that my physique resembled an ex~Aussie surfer, when Miriam got pissed at me and demanded that we go shopping across the border in the duty~free zone.

Promising me that I could acquire a new pair of Billabong shorts there, she set off for the chicken bus with me waving goodbye to the girls.
After being dropped near the border and flagging down a taxi for the last mile or so, we ended up at the wrong border crossing and was eyed suspiciously by the mounted machine~gunners in the army trucks as we did a u~turn and headed for the duty~free crossing another mile or so along the border.
I am always nervous about leaving Mexico, just in case they do not allow me back in for some bizarre reason ie my passport is starting to resemble that of a rampant drug~mule rapidly filling up his pension pot, but luckily I recognised the two girls in the passport booth who waved cheerily to me as I hopped in a rickshaw thingy.....so far so good.

Miriam dived straight into the nearest clothes store across the Hondo River, I spotted a store with cheap beer in the fridge in the doorway....bingo....then things got a little strange.....the Indian store~owner and his wife thought I was American and asked me if I wanted to buy a kilo of Edam cheese complete with the wax covering to take North with me?
Why would an aging English beach~bum want cheese, especially when it had been reported that it was a favorite method of smuggling drugs due to the strong smell putting off the sniffer dogs.....I am not a fool.
Two beers later, Miriam appeared with a bag stuffed with shiny things, as women do, and the guy tries to sell her the cheese....she immediately bought the huge thing as it was "only" £3ish.
Now for anyone who follows my exploits, this is the same woman that literally forced me to smuggle 30 XXL bras into Cuba because "the nice man at the airport said it was not really illegal, plus he would drive us from Havana Airport to our hotel for free".....on that occasion I nearly ended up having a night in the slammer with Pablo the bum~bandit after our 1930s taxi was pulled over by the police and local wonga changed hands....phew
Back to the cheese.....he now sees me vaping and sells me 12 assorted vaping juices, Italian labels, for the ridiculous cheap price of a few beers, I tried to buy more but he said it would make the border guards suspicious....then he offered me a 16oz tub of dried Badia mustard powder, he said, would go nicely with the cheese, again really really cheap.

Obviously I am a bit worried about getting all this stuff through customs, but he calls over a taxi, rattles away to the driver and tells me that he will not only get me through, but also drive us back to our resort 30 miles away...mmmm

We are almost up to the Giant Rabbit.......we sail through customs, the passport~customs girls just smiled at me and waved us straight through....the machine~gunners never even looked at us.
I get chatting to the taxi driver telling him that I am not sure why I ended up with a giant cheese and 16oz of sickly~looking mustard powder, but he tells me it is popular up on the USA border....I told him I am English and live south of the border in a motel.
2 days later, at Cancun Airport 5am flying north, the Customs guys are all over the cheese....it is like a comedy sketch....I am pulled over, the cheese went back and to through the scanner, the queue behind me are all laying odds on me being frog~marched off in handcuffs....the officials look confused....it is cheese....hahahaha....I was sweating to be honest.
Home, cheerio to Miriam who is off on a one~month audit of every hospital in the State, taxi, bus, taxi ....home.

We are nearly up to the Giant Rabbit....no problems whilst I was away, new swimming pool looks nice, pay off the workers....beers, relax.
Feeling a bit peckish, I bust into the cheese, which is still definitely Dutch finest Edam.....ooops, no brown sauce, no relish....so I open the Badia mustard powder which looks a bit pasty~coloured and dip my finger......now, it definitely is not Colmans, but I mix a bit in a shot glass from the bar and slop it on the cheese sarnie as I make my way into the fields to check the fenceline in case some local toerag has infiltrated.

That is when I got the sweats, slightly dizzy, nose started running.....and the Giant Rabbit appeared....I first spotted him on the fence running along the side~road, near the local village.....he was the strangest thing ever, just sat there staring at me...I got closer, feeling dizzy, he literally winked at me and ambled away.

Three days in a row he has been there waiting for me....plus I am pretty sure I saw him outside my window last night, peering in the bedroom.

I have decided that the cheese is what he is after so I have bagged it up and put it in the freezer....though I must admit that the Badia Mustard has become quite addictive, I am spreading it on everything now, burgers, ham sandwiches, chicken bites....the dizzy spells have eased off, the nose is still running....but it is the Giant Rabbit that is worrying me......plus I spotted that same taxi driver from the border sat in the carpark opposite, watching my driveway this morning.....weird

Where's the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch when you need it?

[navypie]

Where's the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch when you need it?

I had to google that. Sure others have as well.

[navypie]

Seriously, this rabbit has a giant head, small body and massive orange ears tinged with a white furry lining......and it all started a few weeks ago when I visited British Honduras.

I was happily enjoying my hours swimming on the Caribbean~Mexican beach and drinking copious cheap beers, surrounded by nubile young hippy chicks that seemed to think that my physique resembled an ex~Aussie surfer, when Miriam got pissed at me and demanded that we go shopping across the border in the duty~free zone.

Promising me that I could acquire a new pair of Billabong shorts there, she set off for the chicken bus with me waving goodbye to the girls.
After being dropped near the border and flagging down a taxi for the last mile or so, we ended up at the wrong border crossing and was eyed suspiciously by the mounted machine~gunners in the army trucks as we did a u~turn and headed for the duty~free crossing another mile or so along the border.
I am always nervous about leaving Mexico, just in case they do not allow me back in for some bizarre reason ie my passport is starting to resemble that of a rampant drug~mule rapidly filling up his pension pot, but luckily I recognised the two girls in the passport booth who waved cheerily to me as I hopped in a rickshaw thingy.....so far so good.

Miriam dived straight into the nearest clothes store across the Hondo River, I spotted a store with cheap beer in the fridge in the doorway....bingo....then things got a little strange.....the Indian store~owner and his wife thought I was American and asked me if I wanted to buy a kilo of Edam cheese complete with the wax covering to take North with me?
Why would an aging English beach~bum want cheese, especially when it had been reported that it was a favorite method of smuggling drugs due to the strong smell putting off the sniffer dogs.....I am not a fool.
Two beers later, Miriam appeared with a bag stuffed with shiny things, as women do, and the guy tries to sell her the cheese....she immediately bought the huge thing as it was "only" £3ish.
Now for anyone who follows my exploits, this is the same woman that literally forced me to smuggle 30 XXL bras into Cuba because "the nice man at the airport said it was not really illegal, plus he would drive us from Havana Airport to our hotel for free".....on that occasion I nearly ended up having a night in the slammer with Pablo the bum~bandit after our 1930s taxi was pulled over by the police and local wonga changed hands....phew
Back to the cheese.....he now sees me vaping and sells me 12 assorted vaping juices, Italian labels, for the ridiculous cheap price of a few beers, I tried to buy more but he said it would make the border guards suspicious....then he offered me a 16oz tub of dried Badia mustard powder, he said, would go nicely with the cheese, again really really cheap.

Obviously I am a bit worried about getting all this stuff through customs, but he calls over a taxi, rattles away to the driver and tells me that he will not only get me through, but also drive us back to our resort 30 miles away...mmmm

We are almost up to the Giant Rabbit.......we sail through customs, the passport~customs girls just smiled at me and waved us straight through....the machine~gunners never even looked at us.
I get chatting to the taxi driver telling him that I am not sure why I ended up with a giant cheese and 16oz of sickly~looking mustard powder, but he tells me it is popular up on the USA border....I told him I am English and live south of the border in a motel.
2 days later, at Cancun Airport 5am flying north, the Customs guys are all over the cheese....it is like a comedy sketch....I am pulled over, the cheese went back and to through the scanner, the queue behind me are all laying odds on me being frog~marched off in handcuffs....the officials look confused....it is cheese....hahahaha....I was sweating to be honest.
Home, cheerio to Miriam who is off on a one~month audit of every hospital in the State, taxi, bus, taxi ....home.

We are nearly up to the Giant Rabbit....no problems whilst I was away, new swimming pool looks nice, pay off the workers....beers, relax.
Feeling a bit peckish, I bust into the cheese, which is still definitely Dutch finest Edam.....ooops, no brown sauce, no relish....so I open the Badia mustard powder which looks a bit pasty~coloured and dip my finger......now, it definitely is not Colmans, but I mix a bit in a shot glass from the bar and slop it on the cheese sarnie as I make my way into the fields to check the fenceline in case some local toerag has infiltrated.

That is when I got the sweats, slightly dizzy, nose started running.....and the Giant Rabbit appeared....I first spotted him on the fence running along the side~road, near the local village.....he was the strangest thing ever, just sat there staring at me...I got closer, feeling dizzy, he literally winked at me and ambled away.

Three days in a row he has been there waiting for me....plus I am pretty sure I saw him outside my window last night, peering in the bedroom.

I have decided that the cheese is what he is after so I have bagged it up and put it in the freezer....though I must admit that the Badia Mustard has become quite addictive, I am spreading it on everything now, burgers, ham sandwiches, chicken bites....the dizzy spells have eased off, the nose is still running....but it is the Giant Rabbit that is worrying me......plus I spotted that same taxi driver from the border sat in the carpark opposite, watching my driveway this morning.....weird

Great story tarkers . If I ever had the same experience ( would never happen in Notts though , well I would like to think it wouldn't ! ) and tried to write it on here I would have never got past the first line without sounding like a broken microphone.