George Caulkin on fatso

[Zippity]

Sarcasm is often the best weapon. We need more of this in the national newspapers and media. Bit lengthy but definitely worth the read:

"No trophies, little investment and two relegations – when will fans finally recognise Mike Ashley as a genius?
George Caulkin, Northern Sports Correspondent

It is extraordinary, really, that 11 years into Mike Ashley’s glorious ownership of Newcastle United, a period of unparalleled (pound for pound) success and cheap socks, that some people — ungrateful people, stupid people, nasty people — still do not appreciate what a complete genius he is. It is even more remarkable that a lot of those ingrates, the flag-wavers and shop-shouters, actually attend matches at St James’ Park.
As a counter-balance to the mindless thousands who regularly turn up to sing “Get out of our club,” at Newcastle games, thank heavens for Dennis Wise — always such a thoughtful soul as a footballer — to remind us of some basic truths. “Unfortunately whatever he does, he will constantly take stick. It’s as simple as that,” Wise says of Ashley. “There are a lot of people out there that don’t help the situation. They want to bring it onto him.”
I mean, yeah, there have been those two relegations from the Premier League, but this is football and these things happen. They can definitely happen when you employ Joe Kinnear (twice) and bring in players above the manager’s head (oh, hello again Dennis!), but there is no point in re-raking old history, so let’s forget Sports Direct Arena, Wonga, cups not being a “priority,” and the way Kevin Keegan, Alan Shearer and others were betrayed by the club they adored.
That’s the problem with Geordies. They play in black and white and it’s how they live their lives, always harking back to the good old days. Like the decade before Mike arrived, when not only were they never relegated, but they finished second, fourth, third, fifth and seventh, reached the final (twice) and semi-final (twice) of the FA Cup, broke their transfer record, had a world-record signing in their team and played in the Champions League, the Uefa Cup and Cup Winners’ Cup.
But the game has moved on and Newcastle were stretched back then, hurtling towards economic ruin and the big man, for all his faults (he isn’t perfect; he’s an honest fella who said relatively recently that “it wasn’t acceptable what happened at Newcastle United”), has brought financial security to Tyneside. Don’t forget that he inherited a crippling £77 million debt! Just imagine how terrible things would have been without his money.

As Shola Ameobi said on the telly recently, “He’s a businessman and unfortunately for Newcastle fans, he wants to run his business in a way that is sustainable. Credit to him, because you look at the likes of Aston Villa and these clubs who are struggling financially. The one thing that Mike Ashley has done for Newcastle over the last ten years is to stabilise the club where the club is running itself and we’ve got no debt. That’s a credit to Mike.”


I’m not sure how fair or helpful it is to point out that, in their latest accounts, Newcastle actually had a debt of £152 million. Mike doesn’t charge interest on that, which means that the club is actually saving a lot of cash. Admittedly, a lot of that debt has been accrued royally f***ing things up, but it could be worse! And it’s only proper that he gets benefit in kind through Sports Direct, his firm, not paying for all that lovely advertising at the stadium.
Shola is right. Mike is a businessman and credit to him. You may not understand how Newcastle have consistently earned less in commercial revenue than before he took over, but he is a big-picture man, a blue-sky thinker. He knows what he’s doing! What the shop-shouters call flatlining, a stripped-back skeleton-staffed shell, barely treading water and certainly not striving to achieve, we call stable, safe, self-sufficient. There’s a lot to be said for it.
I must admit to a little LOL at something doing the rounds on Twitter (credit @bigchrisholt). It’s photos of hydrotherapy units at Southampton, Wolverhampton Wanderers and Everton and then there’s one of Newcastle players sitting in an inflatable paddling pool at their training ground. For real! There’s a quote from Mike saying “our training facilities have improved significantly during my tenure”. And he’s right. This season he’s got them a bucket and spade to share, too, ha ha!

Seriously, though, when will Rafa Benítez ever stop moaning? He’s a great manager and all that, but he’s not got a scooby when it comes to running a major company. Dennis knows. He was Newcastle’s executive director early doors under Mike and like he says, “People complain about them not spending enough money but if you trade well at a football club and you’re able to bring players in and take players out and make money, I don’t see what the problem is with that.”
Exactly that. Rafa brought in seven players this summer. Seven. It’s not trivial, is it? Even the manager accepted in a statement he, Lee Charnley and Jamaal Lascelles released last week that “we have a better squad” now, so what’s all the fuss about? Yeah, so Mike said at the end of last season he would “continue to ensure that every penny generated by the club is available” to Rafa. It just so happens that “every penny” was minus £18 million. Simple maths.
Newcastle have tried and tried and tried to get Rafa to sign a new contract. They repeatedly tried throughout January when he seemed a bit preoccupied for some reason and they’ve tried again and again since then. All he does is sigh, shake his head, talk about “trust” and look pissed off. The fans sing his name, really seem to love him, but if only they knew what he was like to deal with. He always wants more. He always wants better.
Everybody knows he fluked that Champions League win, just like he probably fluked those two La Liga titles, the Uefa Cup, the FA Cup, the Uefa Super Cup, the Supercoppa Italiana, the Fifa Club World Cup, the Europa League, the Coppa Italia, the Supercoppa Italiana (again), Uefa manager of the year (twice), European coach of the year and his cycling proficiency. It’s almost as if he knows something that Mike and Charno don’t. What gives him the right?
If Rafa leaves in nine months’ time — when no doubt he’ll whinge about Newcastle not being the big club he thought they could be — as so many punters seem to fear, what’s the huge issue? Why are they getting their Y-fronts in a twist about wasted opportunities? Somebody else will come in. Mike is a genius, remember, and he has has a golden touch. Joe, Steve McClaren, John “best coach in the Premier League” Carver, Pards. Nuff said.
How dare that bloody MP raise Mike’s running of Newcastle in parliament. What’s it got to do with Chi Onwurah, who was born and raised a fan and has St James’ in her constituency? She didn’t even contact Mike beforehand! Granted, the last time she did that, Charno told her not to bother next time, but even so. What a joke to express concerns about one of Tyneside’s great institutions, one with the power to shape its wellbeing and its economy, in the Commons.
And who are these shop-shouters, anyway? Who are this rabble who, by paying for season tickets, think they have a better grip on things than Dennis and Shola, the pundits on the radio and in the papers? Who is this Magpie Group, a collective of fans who protested on Northumberland Street last weekend? Apart from representatives of Newcastle United Supporters Trust, true faith fanzine, NUFC Fans United, Wor Flags, Wor Hyem, Ashley Out and others?
When will these people lower their inflated expectations (last domestic trophy 1955)? When will they appreciate what they’ve got? Mike has listened. He wants to sell. And before anyone says this is the third time now, which suggests he’s either not very good at it, asking for too much or his heart isn’t in it, desist. Don’t bring it on to him, because Mike gets it. There will always be a Newcastle. Just as there will always be a sale on at Sports Direct, you lucky, lucky bastards.

[ronandtet]

spot on

[TheOtherTerryMac]

Nowt we didn’t already know

Fatty said he was a billionaire but it was all on paper and not hard cash yet he magically pulls out £70 million to bale out HOF

He’s a magician

[Milburn9]

Haha. Good read that.

[Jammy89]

Excellent read.

[ashingtoon62]

Caulkin is one of us,love it!!!

[jacapus]

Brilliant article.

[toonlegend]

it makes a change to actually see the feelings and thoughts of the MAJORITY of newcastle supporters written and published, and so called other experts called to account

[Sclox]

Mic drop.

"Clank"