My dog swallowed my phone so I had to ring his neck

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke

I just swapped our bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once but I was wrong

My pet mouse Elvis died last night, He was caught in a trap

My dad attacked me with a vacuum cleaner yelling 'Dyson'

I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes, she had a nasty habit

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me I thought it was a nice jester

A freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

Why was the archeologist so depressed, because his whole life was in ruins

I cant believe I forgot to go to the gym today, thats five years in a row now

Started a band called 999 megabytes we haven't had a gig yet

What would happen if you swallowed tin foil, you would sheet metal