In and Around

[SBRed48]

Reading your accounts 404 is like reading the diary pages of past Victorian novellists.

Luvvit.

Particularly enjoyed the bit about us suddenly becoming "the greatest football team the world has ever seen", a chant that always makes me smile.

Another chant that amused me yesterday was to describe the generally beautiful City of Lincoln as "Lincoln's a sh1thole, I want to go home".
Obviously been taking lessons from our new Home Secretary's remarks in the Commons about Stockton.

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Well what an evening that was!

I could tell we were in for something out of the ordinary when it became clear that the regular pitch side announcer was absent. The replacement did an admirable job in my opinion. Yes, at times he sounded like a children's TV presenter letting you know that your Nan hasn't seemed herself lately, but with what was awaiting at half time who could blame him!
As the pulsating first half action drew to a close, my eyes searched frantically for The Family and their matching half time cones. But no! They'd obviously decided that tonight was the night to binge watch Poldark for the fifth time. This left the overworked Oakwell Entertainment Manager with a conundrum on his or her hands. Who could he/she possibly get to replace them? Scouring through the contacts book there were only two possible replacements - Callum Simpson for the eigh****th time or a man who (I kid you not) eats takeaway food on Youtube.
Takeaway food man it was! To get the buzzing Oakwell faithful in the mood, Sweet Caroline was played. If there's one thing lacking in 21st century England, it's the amount of times this song gets played in sporting venues. As the song achieved it's goal of getting everyone in the party mood, take away man appeared. Dressed in his finest Magic Eye Christmas wrapping paper suit, he treated us to a memorable catchy song that will be stuck in my head for years. Step aside George Michael, there's a new Christmas number one about to top the charts!
As he waved one arm above his head it slowly dawned on him that the East Stand wasn't perhaps his ideal target audience, so pivoting on his snake like hips, he turned towards the Ponty End to receive the same ecstatic response.

Too soon it was all over and we had to watch the football again. Thankfully though, the Wycombe goalkeeper had been watching the half time show and realised the best way to make real money is to humiliate yourself with repeated Youtube clicks.

A sleepless night awaits.

[Jules88]

Im getting it now….. excellent.

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After the success of the Youtube Takeaway Eater singing us a song at the last home game, the Oakwell Entertainment Team had a problem on their hands - what to do next? The idea they came up with looked genius... on paper.
With Wife from The Family choosing to do a bit of shopping at a crowded Meadowhall, it was up to Dad and Son to set up our entertainment. Dad made a 'touchline' of cones down one side while Son earned his keep by setting up his cones up one centimetre away from the real touchline. On to the game itself. Josh from Donny was 22 years old while forgetful Gary from Carlton was 50ish. There's nothing more we need to know from a stranger than their age, so thanks for asking Match Day Announcer.
The game kicked off with three or four friends of Team Josh and Team Gary blocking the view for the East Stand and, well, nothing much happened really. After the competitors trundled around for a minute, Match Day Announcer decided that the game needed hyping up. He did this by laughing at nothing. Then with Josh two goals up, Gary finally fell over... Humour is a strange thing isn't it. We all have our favourite comedians and jokes but it's fair to say that Match Day Announcer likes slapstick. Gary must be "on the sauce" we were informed for the first of many times as poor Gaz lay upside down, before being told that no one was going to help him get upright. With visions of the second half being played with an inflatable hazard in midfield, Gary took one for the team and slithered though his own sweat to extract himself. A tactical switch meant that he played the rest of the game with the inflatable around his waist meaning he couldn't actually move. Josh took a four goal lead and then Gary threw in the towel and said he wasn't going to play anymore. What a tale to tell his children! - humiliation, failure and quitting.

To top it all off we had in game entertainment in the second half too! The Character, buoyed by shaking Liam Roberts' hand before kick off, decided to add to the festive cheer. Sat near the front of the Ponty so all the Gazelles could see him, he was encouraged to 'bounce in a minute'. The Character had prepared for this, and so when he finally took his t shirt off to the joy of everyone in the ground, we saw what he'd done. He'd actually put baubles on his nipples. Incredible! Some say Peter Kay and Victoria Wood are funny but have they ever put baubles on their nipples and 'danced' behind a goal in December? I doubt it.
Thank goodness Match Day Announcer didn't witness this hilarity. If he had done then he could well have collapsed with laughing - a final 'on the sauce' mantra leaving his lips before the air ambulance was called.

[Jules88]

After the success of the Youtube Takeaway Eater singing us a song at the last home game, the Oakwell Entertainment Team had a problem on their hands - what to do next? The idea they came up with looked genius... on paper.
With Wife from The Family choosing to do a bit of shopping at a crowded Meadowhall, it was up to Dad and Son to set up our entertainment. Dad made a 'touchline' of cones down one side while Son earned his keep by setting up his cones up one centimetre away from the real touchline. On to the game itself. Josh from Donny was 22 years old while forgetful Gary from Carlton was 50ish. There's nothing more we need to know from a stranger than their age, so thanks for asking Match Day Announcer.
The game kicked off with three or four friends of Team Josh and Team Gary blocking the view for the East Stand and, well, nothing much happened really. After the competitors trundled around for a minute, Match Day Announcer decided that the game needed hyping up. He did this by laughing at nothing. Then with Josh two goals up, Gary finally fell over... Humour is a strange thing isn't it. We all have our favourite comedians and jokes but it's fair to say that Match Day Announcer likes slapstick. Gary must be "on the sauce" we were informed for the first of many times as poor Gaz lay upside down, before being told that no one was going to help him get upright. With visions of the second half being played with an inflatable hazard in midfield, Gary took one for the team and slithered though his own sweat to extract himself. A tactical switch meant that he played the rest of the game with the inflatable around his waist meaning he couldn't actually move. Josh took a four goal lead and then Gary threw in the towel and said he wasn't going to play anymore. What a tale to tell his children! - humiliation, failure and quitting.

To top it all off we had in game entertainment in the second half too! The Character, buoyed by shaking Liam Roberts' hand before kick off, decided to add to the festive cheer. Sat near the front of the Ponty so all the Gazelles could see him, he was encouraged to 'bounce in a minute'. The Character had prepared for this, and so when he finally took his t shirt off to the joy of everyone in the ground, we saw what he'd done. He'd actually put baubles on his nipples. Incredible! Some say Peter Kay and Victoria Wood are funny but have they ever put baubles on their nipples and 'danced' behind a goal in December? I doubt it.
Thank goodness Match Day Announcer didn't witness this hilarity. If he had done then he could well have collapsed with laughing - a final 'on the sauce' mantra leaving his lips before the air ambulance was called.

Funnier than Collins’ assessment of the game…
More factual too.

.

[Jules88]

Took bloody ages to stick them baubles on!!!!

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With The Family choosing to spend the day at Leeds Christmas market, the Oakwell Entertainment Team had a tough decision on their hands. Who to book? The contacts book was utilised and thinking inside the box, we got Youtube Takeaway Eater again.
With Takeaway Eater's memorable song just being pipped to the number one spot in the charts by Wham!, it was decided he could run the full length of the field twice instead. Out came the special Christmas suit again and he was ready to roll. Toby Tyke and a dog that looks like it's the mascot of the new Popeyes fast food restaurant appeared to be worthy opponents...

There are moments in everyone's lives that we would like to have back; things we've said, things we've done, decisions we've made. I'm guilty of all of them. What I've not done though is lose a running race to two dog mascots in front of thousands of people. Maybe next time we could level the playing field and have Toby pushing Popeyes Dog in a wheelbarrow instead.
I understand that to Takeaway Eater any publicity is good publicity, but what positive results BFC get from this relationship are difficult to see.

With Steve Evans being in the opposing dugout and flame throwing boxes being hired a great opportunity was missed today. Instead of flames being thrown as the teams entered the field and Barnsley scored goals, we could have shot flames into the sky each time Steve Evans got angry. A throw in given to Barnsley? One blast of fire. Offside given against Stevenage? Two blasts. The drop ball that was given to Barnsley just inside the Ponty penalty area for Herbie Kane's 'head injury'... perhaps not after all. We didn't want Oakwell burnt to the ground.

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Where to start!

The flag were unfurled and placed on the pitch. They are all obviously in pristine condition without a single piece of the ribbon on the flag poles hanging loose, nor are any of the flags themselves falling off, hanging on by a thread, or sideways. If they were then the Oakwell Entertainment Team would be straight on it by fixing the flags immediately - especially if the supplies would cost less than £5 and could be done in 30 minutes. But like I always think to myself, the phrase 'It'll do' certainly doesn't apply here.

The flame throwers were back with a vengeance! After laying dormant for most of the first half, they suddenly sprang to life when we had a late corner. Did the operator know something we didn't? Are corners now The Time To Get Excited? Sadly not, but it was exciting for a moment wondering whether I should get excited or not.
Then in the second half the flames took on a life of their own. A free kick just outside the area - no flames. A moment later there's a throw in by the corner flag - flames. There's clearly a lot of thought gone into this and we've obviously hired someone with deep tactical knowledge. He or she knows exactly when the dangerous passages of play are occurring and we can completely trust their judgement.

After spending a quiet evening in last night eating bits and pieces from M&S, The Family were back. In a novel approach, the coaches were allowed to do the cone shootout while their boys looked on longingly. Imagine a Santa's Grotto where parents sit on Santa's knee while their children sit in an adjacent room eating Asda mince pies and you get the idea. Husband ran the operation like always while Wife and Son stood next to the goal, hands in pockets, occasionally toe poking the odd ball in the general direction of the contestants. It brings absolute joy to my heart to know that when Husband finally retires, his son is primed and ready to take over so we can have another 40 years of this ever present, fully committed family giving their whole hearted effort every single home game.
And what a prize for the winner too! Two match day tickets for them to raffle off. That should raise upwards of £15 to keep grassroots football alive.

I hate to grumble but feel I have to mention it, The Character had a bit of a nightmare today. Just when he'd drummed up enough support for himself to take his shirt off and jump up and down, a half wit ran onto the pitch. I can certainly see the attraction to doing this. Who hasn't wanted a needless police fine, ten thousand people booing you and getting hunted down by a steward who should get an immediate pay rise?
But more importantly, how dare someone do this to The Character in his moment in the sun? He tried to grab some reflected glory by shaking the hand of the wrong steward afterwards, but by then the moment had gone.

What a day!

[Jules88]

Brilliant! Keep em coming !

[EastStandRed]

Haha love these summaries