Jokes Thread

[Arran007]

Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house.
They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers.
The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests.
She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didna€™t matter what type of women they used.
She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms.
The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.
The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other "last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!"
The other man said to his friend"thata€™s nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

[Arran007]

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's *****," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's *****," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

[Arran007]

A choir boy sneaks in confession booth and then walks in a nun.

She says "Father forgive for I have sinned I have performed oral *** on someone, tell me my punishment please Father"

The choir boy runs out and finds another choir boy and ask "What does the father give for oral ***"

The other choir boy says "I don't know about you but he gives me a coke and a bag of chips"

[Arran007]

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot

[Arran007]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."