o/t brins friday neet joke thread (adult content)

[villamiller]

my wife agreed to try role play to spice up our love life

so i said you dress up as Whitney Houston and i'll run you a bath

[villamiller]

Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and my wife said

?Think of the poor children in Africa"

He said back to her

?Do they have to eat this **** too??

High fiving him probally wasn?t the best thing to do

[villamiller]

My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.

It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.

[Barnsley_Miller]

Is Brin still in the USA m8? I saw Cam's pic of him in the Bleachers XD

[villamiller]

I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought

Then I realised I'd left the "R" out

[villamiller]

I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering? 95% replied
get the feck out!

[villamiller]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[villamiller]

My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so fecking angry! What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers???

[villamiller]

i got my fully erect cock out with a prostitute last night.
WOAH! She said , you want to be careful with that, you could knock somebody out.
Really i said surprised, i didn't realise it was that big.
Oh no it isn't she cringed, it fecking stinks!

[villamiller]

Bullying support group meeting, tonight at 8.







you'd better fecking be there.

[Adventus2012]

Breaking news, Joan Rivers has attempted the ice bucket challenge, but she slipped and kicked it instead.

[villamiller]

roy hodgson has confirmed the following players for euro 2016

wobinson,gween,tewwy,stuwwidge,wooney,gewward,
cawwagher,cawwol,cwouch.wight phillips and cawwick

[villamiller]

My mate just rang me in tears.

His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!

Poor b@stard.

No woman no sky...

[Barnsley_Miller]

Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

"Careful here," says one of them. "My mountain guide fell down there last year."

"I bet you feel bad about that," says the other.

"Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages."

[Adventus2012]

After the neighbour's ball came over the fence for the millionth time, I shouted:

"Your kid's done it again, next time it happens I'm sticking a ****ing knife in it"

A minute later it happened again, so I was left with no choice.


The funeral's next week.

[villamiller]

I was stood at the bar earlier when this little old lady walked in

She was tiny and struggling to walk, even with aid of two sticks and as I watched her shuffle along I couldn't help thinking to myself...





I probably still would.

[gramiller1959]

brin has lost his baggage ...




he would sue the company but he would only lose the case :P

[villamiller]

I caught my son having *** today


I then said to him


"Go to your room and think about what you have done!"




5 minutes later, I walked in to his room to find him having a w*nk.

[villamiller]

It was awful when I found out that my dad likes to dress up as a woman

He whispered in my ear that I had better put a fiver in his thong as my mates were giving me funny looks

[villamiller]

i've got the results of Cheryl Coles smear test




just as i thought



it tastes delicious

[Barnsley_Miller]

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road

[villamiller]

Went to choose my new glasses today

Pretty lass in the opticians asked, "Would you like them with a rim?"

Let's just say it'll be a while before they let me in Specsavers again

[Adventus2012]

I was fortunate enough to meet Stephen Hawking at university, and i finally plucked up the courage to challenge a theory of his on Quantum Gravity.

You should have seen the look on his face

[villamiller]

U seen that film about that tractor?

Neither have I but I've seen its trailor.

[villamiller]

Jewish pedophile "go easy on those sweets kids"

[Adventus2012]

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a 5.hit."

[villamiller]

What's green and melts in your mouth?












...a lepers cock!

[villamiller]

My missus packed my bags and as I was walking out of the front door she screamed...

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!"

"Oh." I replied, "so you want me to feckin stay now!"

[villamiller]

thinking of writing my own filthy book like fifty shades,

so far i have got

i gently ran my hands down her front until i found the smoothness of her fanny,she was wetter than a sp*stics chin

what do you think

[villamiller]

Just bought Susan Boyles auto biography...

50 SHAVES A DAY!

[Adventus2012]

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained:

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to."

[villamiller]

I was in Tesco's with the wife & she said I was lazy.





Couldn't believe it! I nearly fell out of the trolley with shock.

[villamiller]

My doctor has warned me to stay away from saturated fats.



So no more shagging the wife in the shower.

[villamiller]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?





She choked!

[villamiller]

An Asian goes to Heaven

Sorry, 'we don't have your lot in here' says St Peter. The Asian complains, 'but iv'e been generous and good, last week i gave £10 to a hungry tramp, £10 to a cancer charity, £10 to the children's hospice and £10 to the battered wives home'.

St Peter says, 'wait here a moment I will have a word with God'. After 5 minutes he returns and says 'Ok, iv'e spoken to God, and he agrees with me'

'Here's your £40 back, now f*ck off'

[villamiller]

The wife knocked on the toilet door and said "hurry up i need a poo"

"f*ck off" I shouted "I'm having a wa*k"

"I've got the sh*ts I'm desperate" she shouted back

"i'm just about to cum"i screamed "if you shut the f*ck up i'll be out in a minute"

what an impatient tw*t she is god knows what the other people on the plane were thinking

[Adventus2012]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Sheff Weds win the Championship."
"You crafty C,nut!" said the fairy.

[villamiller]

My missus went to the doctors to see
what the spot was between her t1ts.
She returned home relieved to be told it
was her belly button!

[Adventus2012]

Billy: "Mum, I've got the biggest cock at nursery school, is that because I'm a big boy?"

Mum: "No, it's because you're 28 and retarded. Now watch before you slabber your spaghetti down your new Owls top."

[villamiller]

I was told earlier that Anal *** is illegal in Iceland...

I'm not sure if this applies to Farmfoods also...

[villamiller]

A husband says to his wife "You know dear, I want to do something kinky tonight and cum in your ear"
The wife looks at him horrified and says " Don't be stupid I might go deaf!"
Hubby looks at her and says "Who's being silly now?... I've been cumin in ya mouth for 20 years & you still manage to nag me"

[Barnsley_Miller]

Iran's got the H Bomb now...

Thank **** they cant drop it off a camel

[Adventus2012]

At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in.

[villamiller]

I hate when I'm at weddings and old people poke me and say "You're next!"







So I've started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[villamiller]

New food contamination scandal.

Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings found to contain







Uncle Bens DNA

[villamiller]

Don't forget comic relief this year

Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an


intruder and his girlfriend

[villamiller]

Woman in a jewellers admiring a big diamond
ring. As she leans down for a closer look
a big fart lets rip.
Hoping no one noticed she asks, how much is
that one? The jeweller says, madam, if you
farted looking at it, you'll **** yourself
when i tell you the price...

[villamiller]

I walked into my mums bedroom and under the bed I saw a suitcase half open. My curiosity got the better of me so I opened the case in it was a leather mask, a leather cape, knee high boots, crutchless leather shorts and a leather whip

I couldn't believe it my mums a superhero!!!

[villamiller]

I went for my routine check up today.
Everything was okay until he stuck his
finger up my @rse. He said it was normal
procedure.

Do you think i should change dentists?

[villamiller]

Took the wife to a disco the other night.
There was this guy on the dance floor giving it loads.
Break dancing,moon walking,back flips,the works !
My wife turns to me and says "see that guy?,25 years ago he proposed to me and i turned him down".
Quick as a flash i replied,"Looks like he's still celebrating".

[Barnsley_Miller]

Wives are like Condoms, they're always in your Wallet and never on your Bellend

[Barnsley_Miller]

If you ever want your wife to stop sucking her thumb,


Draw a Cock on it!

[Barnsley_Miller]

The wifes been Christmas shopping, shes bought me a shirt, 16" neck I 16" neck?

She said "Well I didnt want him to know I was married to a Fat B*stard!"

[Barnsley_Miller]

I was laid in bed with the wife the other night and I said I'll have to apologise, ive just done a silent fart.

She said right first thing in the morning we are going to get new batteries for your fecking earing aid

[ScarboroughMiller]

My best mate has just phoned me, he was crying his eyes out, his wife has just walked out on him and with her she took his prized Bob Marley collection and the bloody sky dish.

No woman no sky! XD

[CAMiller]

My best mate has just phoned me, he was crying his eyes out, his wife has just walked out on him and with her she took his prized Bob Marley collection and the bloody sky dish.

No woman no sky! XD

Unlucky for you Scarbs - see post 13 XD

[millavanilla]

At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in.


And thats exactly what will happen...maybe before too..

[jolly_roger]

Yeah but they will delay the stonings until the afternoon because of the heat.



...and so that Sky can cover the event.