jokes

[leedsutdman]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose, they managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[BelfastAndy]

Racist fk! :)

[pilgrimwhite]

My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post.

"Why am I so unfortunate?" she shrieked.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits." she continued.

I said, "Tinnitus. You have tinnitus."

[leedsutdman]

Racist fk! :)



No I'm Irish myself, well half of me is. ;D

[Billyni]

Two englishmen were out for a walk in the countryside when they discovered a set of tracks. I wonder what made those asked Carstairs, dunno said Carruthers but i think we should have a closer look. Sadly, along came the train.

[Billyni]

Wife goes to the doctors with a chest problem but comes home to tell her husband that the doctor complimented her on her fanny. The angry husband then confronts the doctor grabbing him by the throat and asking what the fu ck he meant by telling his wife that she had a nice fanny.
Thinking about it the doctor replies, no no no, i told her that she had acute angina !

[leedsutdman]

What do you call a Welsh man with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?

Bi***ual....

[CalverleyBoy]

Racist fk! :)

Come on, Canadians are fair game ;D

[jimmybn]

LUFC63.... that is all XD

[morbs]

I knew it was Black Friday the minute I woke up and saw that all my food was missing.

Robinson Crusoe diary entry
27th November 1682

[morbs]

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[morbs]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

[morbs]

Sorry Morbs...this was just not funny so it had to go

[pilgrimwhite]

The charity opening night of a pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone in the audience shouted


"He's behind you!!!".......

[pilgrimwhite]

just got myself an Oscar Pistorius Advent Calendar that Smirnoff have just brought out



There's a shot behind every door

[pilgrimwhite]

Gutted the wife has left me!

She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too




No woman no Sky

[Stainlessly]

A grieving Yorkshireman goes into a funeral parlour to arrange the funeral of his beloved wife. When asked what he would like on her gravestone he said I would like to keep it simple. I would like her at the top. Her date of birth and death in the middle and at the bottom I would like "She was thine." Very good said the director, pop in next week and you can check that the headstone is as you wish.
The next week he goes back to inspect the work. The was correct as was the date of her birth and death, but the bottom line read "She was thin."
The husband pointed out the mistake and that an "e" was missing. The Director apologised profusely and promised to rectify the error by the day of the funeral.
On the day of the funeral the husband was shocked to see that the headstone had indeed been changed, and now said "E, she was thin,"

[leedsutdman]

The man who invented predictive text has died, his funnel will be on sundial

[wortleygirl]

:D Bumped this for hairyjerry....

[pete1967b]

this one has been erased cos it weren't nice

And this is on the joke thread.............Not anymore it has been erased

[leedsutdman]

A Trump in the White House eh!
Well we have a wet fart in number 10
And a shlt in number 11.

[leedsutdman]

On holiday in Spain I saw a sign which read, English speaking doctor.
I thought what a good idea we should do that in the UK.

[Billyni]

Paddy goes to rob a bank. He pulls out a gun and shouts at the lady teller to give him all the money. As the lady hands him the money he realises that he has forgot to put on his mask. Paddy quickly pulls on his mask and then asks the lady did she see his face. She admits that she did so Paddy shot her! He then asks the bloke beside her if he seen his face. The bloke says 'no, but my wife did'.

[Tichi1]

??????

[leedsutdman]

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d.ick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Stainlessly]

Ryan Giggs is splitting up with his wife. If the divorce settlement goes 50/50 as expected, she will have 6 more Premier League medals that Steven Gerrard....

[pilgrimwhite]

Teacher asks the class to something that ends with "tor" and eats things...
So the first boy says "alligator."
The teacher replies, "very good Peter, that's a big word," then Tommy says,"predator."
Teacher says,"yes, that's another big word, well done,"
Little Johnny says, "vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair she says,"that's a big word Little Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything,"
Little Johnny replies,"well my mom has one and I heard her saying it eats frickin' batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[pilgrimwhite]

http://i63.tinypic.com/2ih6wx0.jpg

[whitestomper45]

I deserve a medal for just finding this thread ffs the search engine is absolutelyfeckinshyte, we need more jokes back....well maybe better ones
Speaking of which...I wasnt aware of Robert Mugabe's Yorkshire heritage....until I read his surname backwards....MUGABE

ALBINO - Can't say fairer than that

Ok lets hide the thread again

[leedsutdman]

Me and the wife have decided we are not having children.....
I've got to say the kids are devastated.

[pilgrimwhite]

Was at a funeral yesterday and asked the priest for the WIFI password

"Have some respect for the dead!" He said

I replied

" Is that all lower case? '

[leedsutdman]

I was looking in my wardrobe the other day when I noticed a secret passageway through the back.
I pushed my way through and found myself in a strange mystical world and when the mist cleared I could see my neighbour sitting naked in a bath.

[pilgrimwhite]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[pilgrimwhite]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[BelfastAndy]

Was at a funeral yesterday. I asked if there was a password for the Wi-Fi. The Priest shouted 'Have some respect for the dead." I asked if it was upper or lower case.......

[pilgrimwhite]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[BelfastAndy]

Just realised I reposted Pilgrims funeral joke. Thought I'd seen it on FB ffs.

Age.........

[CalverleyBoy]

Good to see this has been resurrected

[whitestomper45]

Just realised I reposted Pilgrims funeral joke. Thought I'd seen it on FB ffs.

Age.........

Haha

I have something to tell you Andy, but it's not easy for me to say it.........


Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead

[pilgrimwhite]

Just realised I reposted Pilgrims funeral joke. Thought I'd seen it on FB ffs.

Age.........

3964

[pilgrimwhite]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[pilgrimwhite]

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

[pilgrimwhite]

My son asked me to explain women to him

so I bought him an Xbox game for his Playstation

[pilgrimwhite]

Just watched a film about Steven Spielberg getting circumcised

Think it was the directors cut

[pilgrimwhite]

My wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation.

She took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits!

[george_kaplan]

So......guy and wifey sat in living room, guy has remote. Flicking from one channel to the next, first the fishing channel then the ****o channel......fishing, ****o, fishing, ****o, fishing, ****o. Wifey shouts out "for crying out loud, leave it on the ****o channel, you already know how to fish"......

One for our gals!

[pilgrimwhite]

19427

[bathlad61]

What do you call two Spanish Firemen? - Hose A & Hose B

[Monaco_Totty]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Plymouth fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Plymouth fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Plymouth fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Plymouth fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Exeter fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, why are you a Exeter fan?'

'Because my mum is a Exeter fan, and my dad is a Exeter fan, so I'm a Exeter fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Exeter fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Plymouth fan.

[whitestomper45]

19430

[ozleeds]

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

[ozleeds]

19431

[ozleeds]

Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. 'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him. 'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.

[pilgrimwhite]

An armed robbery is in progress. A brave customer pulls off the robbers mask and says, "I've seen your face now!" so the robber shoots him dead.

"Any1 else seen my face?"

There was a silence 4 a moment then somebody pipes up

"I think the guy in the Man Utd top got a glimpse mate.

[CalverleyBoy]

And tyhe Pilgrim is back in the grove.

Breaking news - Grealish still insists he wanted to take a penalty kick, but Southgate wouldn't let him as he couldn't trust him not to fall over screaming once he got so close to goal.

[pilgrimwhite]

19651

[ozleeds]

During covid money is short and can't go anywhere so I opened a boat shop down the basement of the house.
After 1-week sails have gone through the roof.

[pilgrimwhite]

19652

[ozleeds]

Once upon a time, there were 2 Irish men Billy and Andy, and an Englishman Rev. they were really bad people thieves unfaithful to the team and eventually the law caught up to them and they had a day in court. The judge said they were the worst of the worst and decided to send them to the most remote, desolate godforsaken place on earth! So he sends them to Australia :)
Then god send them an angel Ozleeds ( a greek in disguise) Who opened up a Fish and Chip shop And the lads were happy again it felt like home:)

[BelfastAndy]

Once upon a time, there were 2 Irish men Billy and Andy, and an Englishman Rev. they were really bad people thieves unfaithful to the team and eventually the law caught up to them and they had a day in court. The judge said they were the worst of the worst and decided to send them to the most remote, desolate godforsaken place on earth! So he sends them to Australia :)
Then god send them an angel Ozleeds ( a greek in disguise) Who opened up a Fish and Chip shop And the lads were happy again it felt like home:)

Lol. YOUR turn for the sauce tonight then...............

[BelfastAndy]

https://i.postimg.cc/xqMJCGXv/Screenshot-20210808-210445-Gallery.jpg (https://postimg.cc/xqMJCGXv)

[Billyni]

https://i.postimg.cc/xqMJCGXv/Screenshot-20210808-210445-Gallery.jpg (https://postimg.cc/xqMJCGXv)

It’s good to know that Oz got the yob :D

[ozleeds]

It’s good to know that Oz got the yob :D

Must admit this brain it's gone over it:) Yale means A looney Englishman.
Yob means a rude, noisy, and aggressive young person.
Neither which I'm not what is there to get lol

[BelfastAndy]

Must admit this brain it's gone over it:) Yale means A looney Englishman.
Yob means a rude, noisy, and aggressive young person.
Neither which I'm not what is there to get lol

Jale (Jail/Gaol)/Job...... 🤔

[ozleeds]

Jale (Jail/Gaol)/Job...... ��

Yeah I got that part and thought must be more in it so I google lol

[ozleeds]

https://youtu.be/JJTOSjmqlmg

[whitestomper45]

20338

[CalverleyBoy]

Nicely resurrected one of the older threads WS, though I seem to recall there was a similar long running one for jokes before this one.

[Rev72]

What does a man with a 2 foot cock have for his breakfirst?
























Well this morning I had a boiled egg.

[whitestomper45]

The guy who invented knock-knock jokes has been nominated for a NO-Bell prize

[whitestomper45]

I can't speak highly enough about the new helium museum

[whitestomper45]

So I was at the doctors today, having a thorough insurance examination today.

He said "Do you know you seem to have some lettuce in your backside?"

I replied "That's just the tip of the iceberg"

[whitestomper45]

Welcome to the "Owning Up To Flatulance Club"

Though I must warn you, this is not for the ain't farted.

[BelfastAndy]

https://i.postimg.cc/9DmSpPPJ/Screenshot-20211224-091028-Whats-App.jpg (https://postimg.cc/9DmSpPPJ)

[hopelesslyoptimistic]

Welcome to the "Owning Up To Flatulance Club"

Though I must warn you, this is not for the ain't farted.

That left a bad smell

[cherrypie7]

Man City 7-0 Leeds Utd

[Billyni]

Man City 7-0 Leeds Utd

Ffs. I was just starting to get over that.

[Rev72]

Man City 7-0 Leeds Utd

You have now officially spoiled Christmas.

[ozleeds]

20588

[whitestomper45]

I’ve just created a new game show for TV about making ladies hats.
It’s called “who wants to be a milliner”

[Rev72]

Belfast Andy goes to the Doctors and says "Hey Doc,I feel like a tw@t".

Doctor replies "Funny that cos you look like a cnut".


:O

[denver11]

Saka scores runs into the crowd to celebrate and doesn't get booked! Now that's a f uckin joke.

[CalverleyBoy]

Best joke tonight was Ronaldo missing a penalty

[Billyni]

Best joke tonight was Ronaldo missing a penalty

3 Leeds old boys also added to the mirth.

[Rev72]

3 Leeds old boys also added to the mirth.

Yes Sir :star:

Nice to see Jonny Howson giving the scum some bants after he popped in his pen B)

Always cheers me up when they fail :D

[CalverleyBoy]

Yes Sir :star:

Nice to see Jonny Howson giving the scum some bants after he popped in his pen B)

Always cheers me up when they fail :D

'
I am convinced one or two of the scum players didnt want to win, their shooting was up there with some of ours on occasions

[Rev72]

Can I just say that if anyone receives a private message from me about canned meat,don't open it!

Its spam.


O:)

[Rev72]

Mate of mine went to see a psychic last week who told him he was coming into money.

Last night he shagged a fat bird called penny :O

Spooky or what :)

[spaldy]

as bad as our day was yesterday. some Finnish cross country skier had it worse. Frostbite on his johnson. Not good.

Luckily, he just had to soak it in cider.

[BelfastAndy]

Belfast Andy goes to the Doctors and says "Hey Doc,I feel like a tw@t".

Doctor replies "Funny that cos you look like a cnut".


:O

Just seen this ya bollox!!

[whitestomper45]

Mate of mine went to see a psychic last week who told him he was coming into money.

Last night he shagged a fat bird called penny :O

Spooky or what :)

A mate of mine was told a lot of money was coming his way... he got run over by a Securicor van.

[whitestomper45]

So I was in the pub last night... and the barmen asked "are they thick lense glasses you're wearing?"

"No they're mine" I replied

[ozleeds]

Customer service

https://youtu.be/Lre90NGeiPs

[CalverleyBoy]

Some blasts from the past on here - Pilgrim where are you?

[Monaco_Totty]

Orta -Shussing fans yesterday.

https://twitter.com/lufctrust/status/1589291047644852224?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5 Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1589291047644852224%7Ctwgr% 5E097332fd6a68b6e3deecd42dc6892cd4af47f49c%7Ctwcon %5Es1_c10&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fd-2930079213056727613.ampproject.net%2F2210211855000 %2Fframe.html

[ozleeds]

When I was in my early 20s was out and about drinking as you would and this blonde came up to me. After a little bit, she asked if I wanted to go home with her I got excited and said yes. I was well built back then as I did bodybuilding. Anyway off comes the shirt and she goes wooh those muscles to which I replied that 100lbs of dynamite babe. Then I took my pants off and she goes Woahh what big thighs do you have and I replied yep that's another 100lbs of dynamite. Then I took my underwear off and she ran out of the house 100 miles an hour. I quickly put my pants on and went after her and caught up. I said what happen and she replied I saw all that dynamite and then when I saw the short fuse I shyte myself.

[Billyni]

Us.

[Ozwhites]

Big Sam??? 😁

[ozleeds]

Staying in the premier division ;)

[whitestomper45]

Wish me luck in my new role am gonna need it…Am taking over from a famous Clown…
Got big shoes to fill…

[WTF11]

Anyone who suggests Radrizzani ever knew what " a good bit of business" was