OT The crap joke thread..................

[leontrotsky]

Went to the doctors the other day and he told me I was colour blind.

Talk about a bolt out of the orange.

[Pacman1903]

A man goes to hospital with six horses up his butt

His condition has been described as stable.

[Landvetter83]

What do you call a 30 year old woman in Liverpool / Glasgow / Dundee (choose as you wish)?

Grandma! XD

[leontrotsky]

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction

[Pacman1903]

A seal walks into a club...........

[05car]

A young country lad is at the local farmer's dance. He spies in the distance, a fine looking young lassie. After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says "Can I smell your fanny?" to which she, not altogether unsurprisingly replies "You certainly can NOT!!" He nonchalantly turns to her and says "Oh, it must be your feet then".

[AberdeenArnold]

Jesus walks into a inn

He throws 5 nails on the floor and says to the innkeeper.

"Can you put me up for the night"

[mondo_notion]

Man walks in to a bar, he comes out with 14 stitches and a broken nose.

It was an iron bar.

[sheepcrooky]

I went to a zoo last week, it only had one dog. It was a ****zu.

s h I t z u

[scobiemacd]

^^^^ This site starring out that word just made me laugh. Totally fu.cked up the punchline.

I do like that joke though.

[don_in]

Why do cows have hooves rather than feet?

They Lack toes.

[Pacman1903]

I bought a new Satnav recently and it's really good,

Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....

Now that's clever !

[RedStarTorphins]

So I went to the doctor...
I said "I keep having this recurring dream...beautiful naked women run towards me, breast bouncing. I keep having to push them away"
"What do you want me to do about it", says the doctor...

"Break my arms" I reply.

[RedStarTorphins]

Gambling has brought my family much closer together.
We had to move to a smaller house.

[TheDandyBassman]

What did the man do when he found a trumpet tree in his back garden?

He root-id-it-oot

[gospelofthomas]

How much are the Xmas cracker people paying you?
?

[gospelofthomas]

Here's a belter for you

DUNDEE UTD

[gospelofthomas]

Tsk

[gospelofthomas]

Jesus loves you!!
When he's so bored of killing African babies

[gospelofthomas]

He will eventually bore himself to death.....it's maybe happening already

[Rochead]

Here's a belter for you

DUNDEE UTD

Went down like a lead baloon

[WestCoastDon]

What happens if you take a Viagra and eat shoe polish before bed?

Every morning you'll rise and shine.

[Buc]

I've posted the funny jokes on here to my face book page .. I'm getting Pelter's I may just point them in this direction.anyway I found them funny .thanks for sharing

[Mr_Grieves]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts ?

With jam in.

[05car]

What's the difference between a b-lowjob and an-al ***?

One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.

[eastnuekdon]

whats red and invisible??.................

no tomatoes

[Buc]

Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny..


They just don't work.

[AberdeenArnold]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

[Aldo1983]

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A BA-BOOM!

My bairns favourite joke.

[davydook]

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler!......I'm here all week.

[davydook]

Scientists have invented a new Optical Viagra.....it does nothing for your *** life....but it makes you look hard.

[Pacman1903]

Why doesn’t Mike Tyson play Playstation?

He’s an Xboxer.

[mondo_notion]

What's a Hindu?

Lay eggs.

[Pacman1903]

What do you call a man with spades for hands?

Doug




What do you call a man without spades for hands?

Dougless

[05car]

Woman walks into a bar naked orders a drink, the barman serves her, she drinks it and orders another again he serves her.
She looks at him, obviously checking out her naked form and asks "Have u never seen a naked woman before?"
"Oh yes, " he replies " I was just wondering where u keep the money?"

[Ulsterdon]

Mourners be very careful when reading the dress code for the service. SOMBRE WHILE BEING ONLY TWO LETTERS AWAY FROM SOMBRERO IS A WORLD APART IN TONE

[RedStarTorphins]

What do you call an Indian swimming pool attendant?

Handyer Bandin

[elginred]

What do you call an Indian cloakroom attendant?

Mahatma Coat

[davydook]

Indian karaoke singer......Gerupta Sing

[RedStarTorphins]

Indian karaoke singer......Gerupta Sing

Or his brother Gupty Singh

[Bennachie]

Anyone read the Scots classic, Nail on the Banister by R. Stornaway?

[scobiemacd]

What do you call an Indian swimming pool attendant?

Handyer Bandin

Explain that one to the youngsters of the board. :);D

[IveSeenTheLight]

What do you call a Russian with one ball?

Iva *******ov

[IveSeenTheLight]

What do you call a Russian with three ball's?

Houdya Nicka*******ov

[IveSeenTheLight]

What do you call a Chinese Prostitute?

Taka Suki

[IveSeenTheLight]

What do you call a Chinese pervert?

Taka Looki

[IveSeenTheLight]

What do you call a Serbian / Yugoslavian prostitue?

Slobberon Macokyabitch

[IveSeenTheLight]

For the Star Wars enthusiasts

Why did Star Wars' episodes 1, 2 and 3 come after episodes 4, 5 and 6?

Because Head of Planning Yoda was

[IveSeenTheLight]

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

[IveSeenTheLight]

I used to date a dyslexic girl.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

[leontrotsky]

My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... But when I got home all the signs were there.

[64syrupofjarvie]

Two budgies sitting on a perch. One says to the other, can you smell fish?

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, do you have any idea how to drive this thing?

[leontrotsky]

I bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk now, but when I fart the room smells lovely....................................

[gospelofthomas]

If you drop a Hun and a tim from a plane at 37,000 feet, which one will land first?









Who cares?

[gospelofthomas]

There are only ten types of people in the world...

Those who understand binary....and those who don't


(Old but brilliant)

[elginred]

An English woman walks into a bar in Paris and asks the barman for a double entendre. ..........so he gave her one



A yorkshireman decides his cat needs to be seen by the vet for a check up.The Vet asks,"is it a Tom?"

Yorkshireman - "Nay lad,its in me car"

[RedStarTorphins]

What do you call an Indian swimming pool attendant?

Handyer Bandin

Explain that one to the youngsters of the board. :);D [/quote]

Ah dinna like sweemin' and hinna been to the baths for a whiley!
Can you tell? :D

[DonUnder]

What do you call a man without spades for hands and big feet?


Big shoey Dougless


What do you call an arab with a garage on his head?


Lawrence of Kemnay

[scapegoat]

An American women is walking through Berlin, she sees a German homeless man have a p1ss.
Knob out, everything on show, she say's "Aw gross!" the German hobo replies " Danke"

[Pacman1903]

An American women is walking through Berlin, she sees a German homeless man have a p1ss.
Knob out, everything on show, she say's "Aw gross!" the German hobo replies " Danke"

Love it

[scapegoat]

Why was the % of black casualties higher in the Vietnam war than other US army ethnic groups?

When the sergeant said get down, they all stood up and started to dance!

[Buc]

Lol.^^^^^^^

Brilliant hit song 1978 by none other than Gene Chandler .. This is my type of thread loads of fun and no falling out.


Edit but I'm sure you know the song
Get Down very well if not where have you been.:?

[leontrotsky]

Chinese take-away for the whole family: £40
Petrol to pick it up: £2

Getting home and realising theyve forgotten to put one of your containers in the bag:

Riceless

[Pacman1903]

Heres one that was doing the rounds when i was at primary school

What do you call an Aberdeen keeper who doesnt shower?

B.O Smellders

[leontrotsky]

I went to the doctors yesterday, told him I felt like a small island off of Italy.




He said "Don't be Sicily".................................................. ...............................

[Goalposter]

One of my faves


Did you hear about the man who wanted a *** change?

He jumped off a building and landed with a fud!

[leontrotsky]

i just found out that the bloke who stole my diary has died





my thoughts are with his family

[leontrotsky]

(for ye oldies )What do you call a lady who sings salsa based dance songs while wearing a blue and white scarf?

Gloria Leicester Fan.......

[leontrotsky]

I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seven**** times nine****?"

I immediately said, "Thirty-six."

He said, "That's not even close."

I said, "But it was quick."

[Buc]

Man gives his wife blood to keep her alive .

Later they split up.man says I want my fkn blood back ..

Wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

[Buc]

I went round to my mates house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming ..

He looked at me and said don't ever have kids mate ..


I said they're hard work eh.!!!

He said no you're an ugly cu nt.

[Buc]

Can you believe it? My income tax return form has been sent back to me.
Because in response to question 4
Do you have anyone independent on you? I replied
2-1 million illegal immigrants.
1-1 million crackheads.
4-4 million unemployable scroungers.
30,000 criminals in over 100 prisons .
Plus 809 idiots in Parliament.
They said that was not an acceptable answer..

So who the hell did I miss out.:?

[leontrotsky]

Plans to make the new TV series CSI Dundee have been scrapped after producers found that nobody has any dental records there and they all have the same DNA

[donsdaft]

On a dental theme

My grandson has his first baby tooth taken out today.
Based on his dedication to iPad games his granda came up with a joke.

What is a dentist's favourite computer game?
Implants versus Zombies

[RedStarTorphins]

Rangers Cluedo...

It was the cripple, in the boardroom, with the cheque book.

[Stoney_Scarfer]

Two blokes standing having a chat and one says "I swallowed two bits of string and when they came out, they were tied together - I s h i t you knot"

[leontrotsky]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You h

[leontrotsky]

A man from British Gas stopped me in the street the other day and said "Excuse me mate, do you have the time?"
"Certainly" I replied "Its sometime between 8.00am and 1.30 pm".

[leontrotsky]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He w

[DoctorWhy]

I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles ... my next poop may spell disaster

[The Hawk]

My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I had a car made of Spaghetti. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

[khawaga]

Six out of seven dwarves are nae happy.

[ILikeJam]

Indian karaoke singer......Gerupta Sing

Or his brother Gupty Singh [/quote]


Or their lesbian sister - Mingeeta

[Pacman1903]

Indian karaoke singer......Gerupta Sing

Or his brother Gupty Singh [/quote]


Or their lesbian sister - Mingeeta[/quote]

Or their uncle who has done everything

Bindair Dundat

[leontrotsky]

ALBINO !! You can't say fairer than that

[Brian Grantland]

what have tulisa's x factor career, pete doherty and kate moss' relationship, daniella westbrook's nose and liverpool fc got in common

All destroyed by coke

[leontrotsky]

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford walked into a bar, and the Irish barman said not Yewtree again.

[Brian Grantland]

Patient: Doctor, I think I'm going deaf.

Dr: What are the symptoms?

Patient: A cartoon family from America.

[leontrotsky]

A mate of mine has been really down on his luck & unemployed for months.
He now has a job in a telescope factory. Things are really looking up for him now............

[leontrotsky]

Old, sage rabbit sees a young, hasty rabbit nearly wiped out on the M1.

"Come ere son, Look, when you see the two lights coming at you, stay still between 'em and wait till they pass over you".


SPLAT


"**** me, I ain't seen a Robin Reliant in years!"

[leontrotsky]

Me and the other half bought a bird of prey the other day, but we are thinking of taking it back.

It only flies and night and only when 80s music is playing.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark........

[Hairdrier]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'.

c Tommy Cooper

[leontrotsky]

Police have arrested a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it.
He is expected to be bailed later today..............

[leontrotsky]

Why did the bee go on strike?





For more honey and shorter flowers

[leontrotsky]

my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

[Barnared]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are drinking in a bar....



They all leave cause the Englishman wants to go.

[leontrotsky]

I picked the wife & 3 of her friends up from weight watchers last night.
As they squeezed themselves into the car, I muttered "****in fat cows"
"What did you say?" screamed the wife
"You herd" I said

[Mr_Grieves]

I heard your girlfriend say you were inadequate.

No, she said I was in Harrogate.

[Pacman1903]

I picked the wife & 3 of her friends up from weight watchers last night.
As they squeezed themselves into the car, I muttered "****in fat cows"
"What did you say?" screamed the wife
"You herd" I said

Like it

[leontrotsky]

I was playing scrabble with Midge Ure the other day. He left me with 4 tiles. They meant nothing to me
O V N R

[leontrotsky]

Our local dating agency for lesbian chickens has been forced to close.
Apparently, they are struggling to make hens meet

[leontrotsky]

My mate is an undertaker and he has just started making glass coffins.

I asked him if he thinks it will be a success and he said " Remains to be seen "

[leontrotsky]

I started my own business a few weeks ago. I converted my loft into a workshop and am using it to build bespoke yachts.

Sales are going through the roof.

[gruppenfuhrer]

police walk in to a crime scene , and the witness say , ' the black guy..........................................

[leontrotsky]

I just went down to Tesco and exchanged 50 sultanas for 100 raisins. I just cannot believe the currant exchange rate..........

[Buc]

I just went down to Tesco and exchanged 50 sultanas for 100 raisins. I just cannot believe the currant exchange rate..........

Love it :)

[Redmadders96]

What kind of pictures to turtles take??
Shellfies.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur???
Lickalotopus

[Redmadders96]

A man walks into the doctors office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.

The doctor takes one look and says "Jeezo, looks like you've got one hell of a problem there."

Guys replies......."This is just the tip of the iceberg."

[Buc]

I got an odd job man he was useless ..

Gave him a list of 8 things to do he only did numbers one three five and seven

[Buc]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldn't find any.

[actonsheep]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldn't find any.

One for the geeks...

A Linux admin walks into a Chemist.

"ephedrine?"

"I can't serve you that"

"sudoephedrine"

"There you go".

[Buc]

There's one good thing about being muslem

Nobody is willing to steal your bag ..

Boom boom

[leontrotsky]

Descartes walks into a bar
the keep " will you have a drink ?"
Descartes "i think not ." and disappears.....

[MistyBlue]

People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.

[leontrotsky]

It's my Dundonian nephew's birthday today.
As a treat, I have put a £20 note in his gran's purse.

[Redtothebone]

Take off your shoes ...aye you're not so big now

[Slimfella]

I went to an interview today as an exotic dancer.

The bloke said "So Slim, have you any experience?"

I said "To be honest mate, I know diddly squat"

"Ok, ok, no need to show off, you start Monday"

[Slimfella]

I found an old donor card in my wallet. 10 years to the day since I agreed to donate my spine.

Aah, that takes me back.

[Slimfella]

My mate once bet me that I couldn't keep a fertilised hen's egg up my arsehole for a week.

He won, I chickened out after 2 days.

[Slimfella]

I recently bought some rear view mirrors for my hat.

My missus reckons it's extravagant, so what, I like to look after myself.

[Slimfella]

Regrets? Well I once got drunk and wished for an owl's head and a clown to follow me everywhere

Still, I can look back and laugh at it now.

[Slimfella]

I saw some old woman in ASDA get a loads of herbs for nothing just because they were almost past their use by date.

I've never been given free herbs EVER!!!

Well, apart from, there was this won thyme.......

:(

[Slimfella]

I got sacked as an insect ***er. I kept chucking the wee things into a bucket of water.

The supervisor told me to check if they were bouyant FFS :/

[leontrotsky]

I tell apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow......

[leontrotsky]

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart.".................Fringe

[Pacman1903]

^^^^^^

Aye i heard that was the joke of the festival. Slow month

[52N4E]

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

[Pacman1903]

I just opened a birthday card and rice went everywhere

I was from Uncle Ben

[Pacman1903]

I just wrote a great song about a tortilla

Well i say song, its more of a wrap

[Brian Grantland]

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

[Brian Grantland]

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

[leontrotsky]

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, "I wonder what his handicap is?"

[leontrotsky]

The wife said she'd like me to
make love to her over the bonnet
of her Honda Civic.

I never would have thought of
doing that on my own Accord..........

[leontrotsky]

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.



I'm serious that Israeli how he does it............

[Buc]

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

Brian I'm sorry but can't get this joke :?
Mind you it's not uncommon for me .

[Rochead]

Brian I'm sorry but can't get this joke :?
Mind you it's not uncommon for me .

Ditto

[ragnarok]

Brian I'm sorry but can't get this joke :?
Mind you it's not uncommon for me .

To-knee, I assume.

It is the crap joke thread so you can't really complain.

[leontrotsky]

How do you think the unthinkable.

With an itheberg

[leontrotsky]

My friend Tommy drowned the other day, at his funeral we placed a life jacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...........

[leontrotsky]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room, he said "thank you".

I said "don't mention it"

[Pacman1903]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room, he said "thank you".

I said "don't mention it"

Like that.

[leontrotsky]

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch?

Attempted murder.........

[Pacman1903]

Thats a good een too.

[scobiemacd]

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch?

Attempted murder.........

took me ages to get that. very geeky. which i like.

[Pacman1903]

took me ages to get that. very geeky. which i like.

Maybe thats because your brain is infact a fat hamster in a treadmill

[mondo_notion]

took me ages to get that. very geeky. which i like.

I had to google it. A murder eh, who'd of thought it?

Some good jokes there LT, keep them coming.

[Pacman1903]

I had to google it. A murder eh, who'd of thought it?

Some good jokes there LT, keep them coming.

A murder of crowes isnt as cool as

A flange of baboons
A congress of Salamanders
A pandemonium of parrots
A flamboyance of flamingoes


And my medical sounding favourite..........

A mutation of thrush

[leontrotsky]

A murder of crowes isnt as cool as

A flange of baboons
A congress of Salamanders
A pandemonium of parrots
A flamboyance of flamingoes


And my medical sounding favourite..........

A mutation of thrush

:-D

[scobiemacd]

Maybe thats because your brain is infact a fat hamster in a treadmill

It's turned to mush Pac, listening to all those metal albums you keep recommending .;)

[leontrotsky]

I've decided to stop eating partridge and start eating pheasant.

Absolute game-changer

[Buc]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room, he said "thank you".

I said "don't mention it"

I'm lost with this one ..:?

[naetaebashersallowed]

I'm lost with this one ..:?

Don't mention the elephant in the room!
You'd probably ride it though going by your contributions on the WYOWYN threads.

[Buc]

Don't mention the elephant in the room!
You'd probably ride it though going by your contributions on the WYOWYN threads.

Never thought of that .;D

[Pacman1903]

It's turned to mush Pac, listening to all those metal albums you keep recommending .;)

Aye Painkiller will do that

[scobiemacd]

Aye Painkiller will do that

I've noticed with that title track that because it starts with a drum intro, I focus on the drums during the whole song . Brilliant

[Mason89]

I've noticed with that title track that because it starts with a drum intro, I focus on the drums during the whole song . Brilliant

Try it with Rides album Nowhere. Sounds even better than it does anyway.


And it's not crusty shyte :)

[Pacman1903]

I've noticed with that title track that because it starts with a drum intro, I focus on the drums during the whole song . Brilliant

Random fact about Priest drummer Scott Travis. He can play the drums left and right handed. So he tells the drum tech on the day which way he will want his drums set up that night. Impressive

[Mason89]

Random fact about Priest drummer Scott Travis. He can play the drums left and right handed. So he tells the drum tech on the day which way he will want his drums set up that night. Impressive

Surely you always play them right & left handed?

Unless you're in Def Leppard

[Pacman1903]

Surely you always play them right & left handed?

Unless you're in Def Leppard

Good een min :D

[Rochead]

Some clever stuff on here, love it. :o

[leontrotsky]

Just back from the zoo.

Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity...................

[scobiemacd]

Random fact about Priest drummer Scott Travis. He can play the drums left and right handed. So he tells the drum tech on the day which way he will want his drums set up that night. Impressive

I saw JP once and was transfixed watching Scott Travis play. Twirling the sticks like a demon, throwing the sticks up in the air, catching them , not missing a beat.

[scobiemacd]

Try it with Rides album Nowhere. Sounds even better than it does anyway.


And it's not crusty shyte :)

I'll have a listen if it's on spotify. Ride are one of those bands I liked but didn't realise it. By that I mean they were always on in the background at gigs etc but I wouldn't have known who it was.

[dons8321]

Just back from the zoo.

Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity...................

Like it and good to see the thread back on track but then the heavy metal wallopers take over again.

[dons8321]

I asked the wife why she keeps standing in front of me. She replied, "I don't follow".

[leontrotsky]

Close your eyes & rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference

It also gets you banned from Asda................

[leontrotsky]

Polishing mirrors-now that's a job I could see myself doing...........

[Redtothebone]

Got an invisibility cloak....just can't see myself wearing it .

[Jupiter]

A string walks into a bar & orders a beer;
Bartender: "Are you a string?"
String: "well, yes I am"
Bartender: "then get the heck out, we don't serve your kind here!"
The string leaves then returns wearing a hat & sunglasses.
String: "I'd like a beer please"
Bartender: "wait a minute, take off that hat"
String removes hat
Bartender: "Now take off those sunglasses"
String removes sunglasses
Bartender: "AHA! I knew it! You're a string & I've already told you that we don't serve your kind here. Now get the heck out!!!"
String goes home & thinks it over. He ties himself several times in the middle then takes a hairbrush to his ends then returns to the bar & politely orders a beer.
Bartender (indignantly): "Arn't you a string?"
String: "Nope! I'm afraid knot!!!!"

[Buc]

Why was the % of black casualties higher in the Vietnam war than other US army ethnic groups?

When the sergeant said get down ,
They all stood up and started to dance .

[Buc]

The man who fell into an upholstery machine

Has now fully recovered.

[Redtothebone]

Did here about the mathematician with constipation............He worked it oot with a pencil.

[leontrotsky]

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa..............

[Pacman1903]

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?



He wipes his butt

[Pacman1903]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


Juan on Juan

[Pacman1903]

Does anyone need an ark?


I Noah guy!

[leontrotsky]

As I was pulling off my boxers last night. The wife said............."you spoil those dogs!!"

[Buc]

As I was pulling off my boxers last night. The wife said............."you spoil those dogs!!"

:)

[mondo_notion]

As I was pulling off my boxers last night. The wife said............."you spoil those dogs!!"

Perhaps the best joke yet?

[sheepcrooky]

I went to the edge of a cliff to commit suicide.
Looking down I realised I was overlooking a nudist camp.
So I tossed myself off.

[sheepcrooky]

Walking round Tesco's yesterday, I seen two people dressed as a bar code. I asked them "are you two an item?"

[sheepcrooky]

I know a guy with five dicks, his pants fit like a glove.

[sheepcrooky]

Why did David Hasslehoff change his name to The Hoff ? He couldn't stand the hassle.

[sheepcrooky]

I threw a biscuit at my neighbour yesterday. He ducked and it missed. Jammy Dodger.

[Pacman1903]

Why did David Hasslehoff change his name to The Hoff ? He couldn't stand the hassle.

XD

[sheepcrooky]

My new girlfriend has exzema. She has a cracking body.

[leontrotsky]

The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga

For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%........

[Buc]

The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga

For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%........

:)

[Pacman1903]

ive got a 60 inch Smart Tv for sale for €100 volumes broken but for that price you can’t turn it down

[leontrotsky]

My new Thai girlfriend tried to reassure me by saying "a tiny ***** should not be a problem in a loving relationship."

But i think I would still prefer if she did not have one..........

[leontrotsky]

Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It’s open Mike night........................

[leontrotsky]

When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse..........

[leontrotsky]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says, "uno, dos..." Poof ...

He disappears without a tres!............................................. .....

[leontrotsky]

Did you know...?
England striker Danny Welbeck's father Stanley is a world renowned bomb disposal expert

Stan Welbeck........................

[Whyendup2]

I said to my girlfriend the other day, "you remind me of my little toe".
Her : "Why"?
Me: "I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in this house"

[Pacman1903]

Two boys have been arrested for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill.

The arresting officer said the two were Dyson with death

[leontrotsky]

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my knob!!

[leontrotsky]

For a birthday present I've bought my wife a new fridge.

It might not be much but I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.......

[sheepcrooky]

Took my male cat to get neutered today. It's okay, no hard felines.

[leontrotsky]

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician........

[Disco Buc]

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician........

Loved it .��

[leontrotsky]

Whoever invented Knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize...........

[leontrotsky]

Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week...

Might go if I've got nothing on.........

[leontrotsky]

Im well pissed off. just burnt my Hawaiian pizza in the oven!

should have put it in on aloha temperature....

[leontrotsky]

Nazi officer: "Sir, we are mining too many resources"

Hitler rubs chin.

Officer: "Should we mine fewer?"

Hitler: "Should we what?"..........................

[ragnarok]

Scottish actor Sean Connery has been rushed to hospital today with minor injuries following an accident at home when an encyclopedia fell on his head.

"I can only blame my shelf" the actor said.

[Mr_Grieves]

I told my girlfriend I got a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

[Mr_Grieves]

Why are there no tablets in the jungle ?

Cos the parrots eat em all.

[Kingdomred]

Psaw.

[Disco Buc]

A police officer called the station on his radio.
I have an interesting case here . An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the wet floor she just moped.

Have you arrested the woman?

Not yet . The floors still wet.

[sheepcrooky]

What did the Mexican fireman call his two sons.....

José and Hose B.

[leontrotsky]

It says in the evening paper that a dog ran 31 miles to return a stick that it's master had thrown for it.

Seems very far fetched to me.

[Pacman1903]

My mate has just taken up painting. He only uses cheese. Hes doing really well.

His best piece was when he did his wife

He double Gloucester

[leontrotsky]

They are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, just let them know..........

[leontrotsky]

The most common ***ual position for married couples is doggy style.

Where the husband sits & begs, while the wife rolls over & plays dead!........

[sheepcrooky]

What's brown and sticky.............a stick.

[leontrotsky]

Good news at last for insomniacs.

Only 5 sleeps til Christmas.........

[leontrotsky]

i keep having a recurring nightmare where I'm surrounded by loads of pregnant women in labour.

I think I may be having a midwife crisis....

[leontrotsky]

As a social experiment, I let my son wear a sevco shirt, so far he's been spat on, punched, kicked, and verbally abused.

**** knows what's going to happen when he leaves the house..........

[Rochead]

As a social experiment, I let my son wear a sevco shirt, so far he's been spat on, punched, kicked, and verbally abused.

**** knows what's going to happen when he leaves the house..........

:D:D

[leontrotsky]

if you've seen one shopping centre you seen a mall.................

[leontrotsky]

I'd just like to thank my English teacher for defining the word 'many' for me.

It means a lot...............

[leontrotsky]

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I just don't know why...........

[leontrotsky]

ive only been in jail 5 minutes and ive been bummed twice already
my uncle doesnt mess about when we play monopoly.......................................... ..

[leontrotsky]

My dog only talks to me in Spanish .... He's Espanyol...........

[leontrotsky]

I really love it when the sister in law calls at Christmas but the wife says I must not get Camel and Mistle mixed up this year.........

[leontrotsky]

This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas?

It's a cover..............................

[leontrotsky]

Why don't robots have brothers?


Because they all have transisters...........

[leontrotsky]

I've spent the last two years looking for my ex-wife's killer.



Nobody will do it though...............

[SmedDUm]

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for their lunch?


Half an hour.

[SmedDUm]

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking.

...You'll just have to be a little patient.

[leontrotsky]

George Michael and Carrie Fisher meet in heaven for the first time.

CF - "Oh wow, you're George Michael, I'm your biggest fan! I've got all of your albums"

GM - "Oh really? That's so sweet. All of them?"

CF - "Yes...well, apart from the first one."

GM - "I find your lack of Faith disturbing".................................................. ........................too soon ?

[leontrotsky]

somebody sent me a lump of Plasticine in the post







i dont know what to make of it................

[leontrotsky]

Saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre the other day. I knew it was him, he had his back to the fuschias.................

[Mr_Grieves]

What do you call a dog with 5 d1cks ?




Mariah Carey and Westlife.

[leontrotsky]

A punk graffiti'd the Chelsea Flower Show once by spraying NO FUSCHIA.........

[scobiemacd]

What do you call a dog with 5 d1cks ?




Mariah Carey and Westlife.

Reminds me of a f.ucking great joke about Lenny Henry.( which I aint repeating on here )

[Stainlessly]

I bought the missus a bag and a belt for Christmas.

She wasn't as happy as i thought she would be.

Ah well never mind, the hoover is picking up great now.

[Stainlessly]

When my Grandad was ill, my Grandmother smeared butter all over his back and arse cheeks.

He went downhill very quickly after that.

[Stainlessly]

My wife was trying to be ***y last night.
She lay on the bed licking a lollipop then she slowly started to slide it in her fannny.
"Steady on love" I said "
You're going to need that for when you cross the kids over the road for school in the morning.

[Disco Buc]

My wife was trying to be ***y last night.
She lay on the bed licking a lollipop then she slowly started to slide it in her fannny.
"Steady on love" I said "
You're going to need that for when you cross the kids over the road for school in the morning.

Lol I'm still laughing.:D

[sheepcrooky]

I was in the Indian restaurant and in walked Mother Theresa and Mother Katrina. "No", I said to the waiter, "I wanted two naans".

[sheepcrooky]

Chinese takeaway £24
Tip to the driver £2
Finding out they missed two cartons Riceless.

[leontrotsky]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

Donald Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.

[Stainlessly]

I've started to routinely look out for the nurse who visits our pregnant next door neighbour every day. The thing is I'm not sure if it is actually her I fancy, or if I've got a nurses uniform fetish.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

[Stainlessly]

There's a long legged bird keeps standing outside across the road, watching my house and following me when I go out.

...... I think I'm being storked

[Stainlessly]

Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of ***y ****agers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!"

She didn't reply, but I could tell she was upset...... I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

[leontrotsky]

My mate just died filming a golden shower scene in a ****o


Rest In Piss Dave.....................................

[Pacman1903]

Where do you take a deaf Scottish lassie on holiday?

Ballater

[sheepcrooky]

I went to the doctor and told him I had hurt my peni$ in a surfing incident. He said "did you fall off your surf-board?". "No, I closed my laptop on it when the wife walked in".