OT Joke

[Cannylad]

You’re May Be An EXTREME Redneck If… :O


1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3 You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’
7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8 Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9 Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


And in closing…
Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”
NOW ALL Y’ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY

[Cannylad]

You could also apply the above to Mackems, it fits.

[toptoon]

I´m off to South Dakota next week - better not tell that joke otherwise I might not make it back again.

[ghostrider]

Two neighbours trying to better each other were boasting one morning.
" We're off to Dubai for 3 weeks" said accountant John.
" Well we're thinking about having a month in Australia soon enough" said Bob the baker.

"I'm thinking of trading my Lexus in for a ranger rover" said John.
" Well weirdly I'm thinking of trading my Micra in for a larger car... maybe a large Mercedes" said Bob.

John was starting to pretend to get a little irritated because he had to pretend to wonder how Bob was going to manage to do all this and pretend to wonder if he was just lying, so he decided to pretendy test Bob out by asking his young son if any of the stuff Bob said, was the truth.

He knew Bob's son was wigging in, so he goes over to Nathaniel and says, " I hear your dad's getting a new car and you're also going to Australia. Are you excited ?"

Nathaniel said: " I'm really excited but not as excited as getting our new house on Wynyard estate which is close to where Kevin Keegan's home was."
Nathaniel then skipped into his house and ran straight to his mother and said " mam, I've told John a big lie because he tried to ask about dad's boasting about the fictional holiday and car he mentioned."

His mam asked: " what exactly did you tell him?"
Nathaniel said: "Well I told him that we were moving to a new house on Wynyard estate near where Kevin Keegan used to live."

Nathaniel's mother pretended she was fuming at the blatant lies, so she drags Nathaniel down to the local church to see father Bartholomew.
Father Bartholomew takes Nathaniel into the confessional box and says:" why are you here, Nathaniel?"
Nathaniel says: "I've come for forgiveness for I have sinned. I told lies to my next door neighbour, John about us getting a new house on Wynyard estate near where Kevin Keegan used to live."

Father Bartholomew pretended to get really excited and shouted, " Nathaniel, do me a favour and get me Keegan's autograph and any other autographs of famous people on that estate , will you."

Nathaniel shouted: " I don't think you quite heard me properly... I said I sinned by telling lies to my neighbour about us getting a house on Wynyard. We aren't really moving to Wynyard."

Father Bartholomew shouted, " you what.......youuuuuuuuu bloody what. Are you frigging telling me that you can't get me Keegan's autograph because you lied about getting a house at Wynyard, you little piece of ****."

"Yes, that's what I'm telling you, Father" said Nathaniel.

Father Bartholomew steps out of the confessional box and says to Nathaniel's mother. " Your son is a little **** house and a lying little ******* and I'm going to kick his ****ing head in and smash his face off the side of the confessional box and then I'm going to drag you out by the hair and smash your face off the tarmac in the car park."

Nathaniel's mother grabs Nathaniel from the confessional box and shouts " run Nathaniel, run as fast as you can and tell your dad what father Bartholomew has just said."

Nathaniel ran for his life, as fast as he could with his mother's voice echoing in his big wing nut like ears but getting fainter as he gained distance.
Nathaniel reaches home and hammers loudly on the door for over half an hour before realising his dad was still at the bakery 12 miles away.
He asks John if he would give him a lift to the bakery as it was a life of death situation.
John refused, so Nathaniel runs all the way to the bakery to find that he took so long, the bakery had closed.


Nathaniel's mother knew Nathaniel would do this and she actually planned it all with the next door neighbour, John and Bob, Nathaniel's dad.
It turns out that Bob put on a mask and played the role of father Bartholomew so they could run away to Australia together and leave Nathaniel to fend for himself after finding out he supported Sunderland.

When Nathaniel found out they'd nashed, he beat John up and smashed up his car and house and then burgled a local convenience store where he held up the shopkeeper with a sawn off baseball bat and was eventually caught and sentenced to serve a full 56 years in broadmoor.

The moral of the story is, do not tell daft lies or support Sunderland.

[ghostrider]

A bloke goes out for a drink and falls asleep at the table in the bar in front of his 3 mates. The next morning he wakes up in another country.
It was BA Baracus. :p

[ghostrider]

Twin brothers were all excited about their up and coming 18th birthdays.
Their parents asked them what they wanted as their biggest present and both of them said they wanted a brand new car.
The father immediately jumps up from his chair and shoots both of the twins dead.
The mother shouts, " what the hell did you do that for?"
And the father said, " I haven't got a clue to be honest."

[ghostrider]

Two gnomes sat at the bottom of the garden.
One had a fishing rod and one didn't.
And that's it, basically.

Well let's face it, they can't frigging talk or owt, so there's no point in continuing this.

[ghostrider]

Two bats in a cave, starving.
One bat says to the other, " ahhh sod this, I'm off out to find some food."
1 minute later the bat comes back with blood dripping from it's mouth and the other bats says, "frigging hell, you lucky git, your mouths crammed full of succulent blood, how come you were so quick?"

The other bat says, " remember that tree just outside the cave?"
First bat: " yeah."

The other bat says: "well I didn't."

[ghostrider]

Two snails were pulled over for speeding in their shells.

Actually no they weren't. I'm lying.