O/T:- This is Nottingham

[The Groundhopper]

This week's blog from Nottingham and Colwick featuring: Jimmy Sirrel, Ray Trew, Chief Scouts and the 'one or two' that got away:

https://stickypalms.blogspot.com/2020/04/this-is-nottingham.html

Stay safe,
Sticky

[JoePass]

This week's blog from Nottingham and Colwick featuring: Jimmy Sirrel, Ray Trew, Chief Scouts and the 'one or two' that got away:

https://stickypalms.blogspot.com/2020/04/this-is-nottingham.html

Stay safe,
Sticky

Excellent read, so refreshing from most of the garbage posted on here.

[uysapie]

Excellent read, so refreshing from most of the garbage posted on here.

Totally agree.

[ForeignLegion]

Agreed. A few more blogs, a la Tarkers escapades, would be an interesting distraction to the daily dribble. Maybe an Antipodean one should sprout wings? Where are you my pot growing Eumundi friend?

[queenslandpie]

Agreed. A few more blogs, a la Tarkers escapades, would be an interesting distraction to the daily dribble. Maybe an Antipodean one should sprout wings? Where are you my pot growing Eumundi friend?

Hola!

I dont live in Eumundi about 7km away!

I dont think I have the literary genius Tarkers does I am afraid. I'm not very well read and I am the political equivalent of an atheist - I think they are all idiots. I dont think I can sprout wings but the runner beans made an appearance though the soil yesterday! You pies.

I enjoyed the article though!

[ForeignLegion]

I recently finished up working as a tour guide in Cairns, courtesy of Covid19, although a change was due anyway. Many cruise ships come into port and I wrote a mini blog last year about a day in the life of a driver guide. This was long before Covid, although it was well known they were floating gastro liners.A bit rough and ready, but thats us up here in the tropics.


Confessions of a tour bus driver/guide on cruise ship day.

Actually, coach captain is the correct terminology, just so we don't get confused with some lowly public transport bus driver. An airline captain travelling on board, once remarked what a stressful job we had compared to his, as I deftly navigated the coach in and out of tight spots, whilst avoiding the numerous idiots on the road.

Cruise ships fall into several categories, but to the average coach captain there are two…..do they tip or don't they tip?


Let’s start with the latter; here we have P&O cruises, or bogan boats, as drivers and guides like to call them. Usually a budget priced 7 day booze cruise with the opportunity to eat and drink non- stop for the duration.

Coaches are lined up at the wharf to pick up the masses and transport them on various day tours. We watch as they waddle towards their respective guides; 120kg behemoths, clinging desperately to their walking frames, bathed in sweat as they negotiate the walk from the ship. New tattoos are on display and the need to show them off to all and sundry, means the clothing they have chosen to wear is almost entirely inappropriate. The fashion houses of K-Mart and Target are well represented and the racks carrying the 6XL sizes, have been laid bare.

A lot of these geriatrics are only in their 40’s and 50’s, displaying the fruits of an unhealthy lifestyle. “Do I have time for a smoke before we get back on?” No, you ****ing don’t, I would've thought the oxygen tank strapped to your walking frame would determine that. Apparently not.

The elderly and frail, those who are deserving of a walking frame or wheelchair, struggle valiantly down the walkway, many looking like it might be their last trip anywhere. At least they have reached their great age….many of their fellow passengers, some 40 years younger, probably won't.


Coughing, spluttering and gasping for air as they reach the door of the coach, they stare aghast at the 4 steps they have to climb. Wonderful; what strain of bird flu or Ebola are some of these folks carrying? Some are wedged in the doorway and clearly in need of a push. Is it appropriate to place my hands on their rump? “Would you like a push love?” I joke, trying not to be offensive as my hands disappear into great blobs of sweaty flesh. “ Ooh yes please” they wheeze and cackle as if it's something pleasurable. “It's been a long time since a nice man touched me there.” I shouldn't worry love, it'll be a ****ing long time before it happens again.” Unless you get wedged in the door and I have to shove you out.

As the guide starts their commentary, a voice pipes up, interrupting them; “When are we back to the ship?” Roughly translated as, “I have a ****ing great hangover from drinking for 3 days non-stop, and I feel ****.” We are heading a up a steep and winding road and I'm concerned, under my breath, about the smell of vomit wafting through the coach.

The guide continues, but the riffraff have started their own conversations or phone calls. “Will we be back in time for lunch?” bellows another from the back. No, sir, probably not, but then again the 14 course cooked brekky you have just consumed, should tide you over until dinner, when you will once again be able to perform a full assault on the buffet. It's a waste of time; they've paid their money and they're having a good time, and good on ‘em.

The cruise ships we prefer, are the high end ships; round the world cruises, packed with wealthy Americans and Europeans. Bedecked in Ralph Lauren, Lacoste, Hugo Boss and Tommy Hilfiger; a pair of boat shoes alone costing more than a week’s drinks package on the P&O ships.

No tattoos on show here either, no glazed red eyes or alcohol breath, as you welcome them aboard. Show some of these guys a good time and out come the US dollar bills. “is that a New York Yankees cap sir? The Baltimore Ravens? They’re my team too! Fancy that! Wide eyed amazement that folks from outside of the USA have such knowledge of their sporting teams, in fact, knowledge of anything about the land of the brave and the home of the free.

They are keen to listen and learn, although some are disappointed to learn that our crocs are bigger and more dangerous than their alligators and that we have more deadly snakes and spiders than them. I inform them that they drive on the wrong side of the road and that we all think Donald is doing a fine job. I'm sure they think I'm talking about the duck.

Handshaking and back slapping as they disembark, “The best tour we have ever been on!” “I’m sorry, I don't have any Aussie dollars on me, do you accept US dollars?” Yessiree, I do, and that’s the only currency I accept thanks. Y’all have a nice vacation and Go the Yankees!

[seriouspie]

Absolutely brilliant youth ....... wonderful turn of phrase and proper humour. Loved every word, please do a 2nd chapter as still laughing.

You could coach Sidney perhaps - he needs it!

[SwalePie]

Excellent read, so refreshing from most of the garbage posted on here.

Agreed. Always a good read these.

[The_Don_ORiordan]

Very good!

[CookieGuy]

Best thread of the month.
Thank you Groundhopper and ForeignLegion.

[crazyfists]

Good one Foreign and great as usual Sticky, one of the threads I look forward to seeing.

[BigFatPie]

Hahaha if the current virus business doesn’t kill off cruises nothing will.

[sidders]

Excellent read, so refreshing from most of the garbage posted on here.

I can't think who's responsible for most of that, can you?

[Notsohumblepie]

If he thinks Tipping Point is bad , they are re-running Bullseye with Jim Bowen on one of the more obscure freeview channels.“Super, smashing, great!" Be afraid !

[maddogslater]

Thank you both, very entertaining and funny, tell more of your stories FL.

[Elite_Pie]

If he thinks Tipping Point is bad , they are re-running Bullseye with Jim Bowen on one of the more obscure freeview channels.“Super, smashing, great!" Be afraid !

I have to admit that I like both Tipping Point and the Bullseye repeats. Tipping point brings back memories of the 'Penny Falls' seaside amusement arcade games, where you changed a quid into 2p pieces but still felt like a winner if you had 14p returned at the end! I love the Bullseye repeats, worth watching for the hairstyles and dress sense alone. How can you not enjoy the bit where we hear "and now for Bully's special prize......... a 22inch colour television with remote control"!!! The funniest bit was when a couple from Birmingham managed to score 101 or more in six darts, and won a speedboat! A car was a good star prize, but even now what would you with a f@cking speedboat???

[ForeignLegion]

I did a European trip couple of years ago that I blogged in my own warped way. When Sticky sends in his next offering, I'll post it. Maybe Freewheelin Franklin on the Sunshine Coast can offer up something?