Best Christmas Jokes for 2020...

[The Bedlington Terrier]

Seeing that I opened the thread, I'm having first dibs...

What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? "I'm Driving Home for Christmas." ;)

[The Bedlington Terrier]

Nice and topical:

Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? "Because there was no Zoom at the inn". Boom, Boom! ;D

[Altobelli]

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

[Altobelli]

What do three ho's get you?

One very happy Santa.

[Altobelli]

https://i.imgur.com/gkBz2Ap.gif

[Norder]

.


It's Christmas !


https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a2/79/f9/a279f9725a69161a45f5a271e6a62b30.jpg

It's a Joke ffs !


XD

[oldcolner]

Seeing that I opened the thread, I'm having first dibs...

What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? "I'm Driving Home for Christmas." ;)

You started reading the Daily Mail BT? I’m shocked. XD
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9028595/Gag-Cummings-lockdown-breaching-Durham-trip-tops-list-best-Christmas-jokes-2020.html

[The Bedlington Terrier]

You started reading the Daily Mail BT? I’m shocked. XD
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9028595/Gag-Cummings-lockdown-breaching-Durham-trip-tops-list-best-Christmas-jokes-2020.html

That's the best joke of the year OC. Oh! Oh! Oh! B)

[The Bedlington Terrier]

My best friend has just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition.

I thought to myself, “How can you possibly top that?”

[oldcolner]

Not very current but funny

Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole?
He couldn't get past Iceland.

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?'

Answer: 'They're Carol's.

[Supersub6]

WHen one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects!

[oldcolner]

WHen one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Been in a few myself, but they are no joke! I was able to leave when I chose though.
What was a joke at that time was the prisoners could sue the Prison Service and the Prison Service paid for their lawyers to do it.

[Supersub6]

Been in a few myself, but they are no joke! I was able to leave when I chose though.
What was a joke at that time was the prisoners could sue the Prison Service and the Prison Service paid for their lawyers to do it.

Likewise OC, our local prison used to play in our Sunday League, of which I was secretary, and I used to go up there regualrly for various things relating to registration of players. Obviously, they could not play away games and one season this proved a big problem because they got through to two Cup Finals.
This caused much consternation amongst the other teams because we normally played our finals on Ashington's ground and they are currently in the Northern League. Anyway, I had to arrange the two finals at the prison and Sodexo, who owned the prison, sponsored the finals because we could not have spectators and they were very generous. The teams that they played moaned on becaue it was not their usual day out, however, I just told them that they had voted that the prison be allowed to play in the League and that as soon as the final was finished they could go to the pub and either celebrate or drown their sorrows! As it turned out, the prison lost both finals but were really happy that they had been allowed to play.

[The Bedlington Terrier]

Been in a few myself, but they are no joke! I was able to leave when I chose though.
What was a joke at that time was the prisoners could sue the Prison Service and the Prison Service paid for their lawyers to do it.

We will soon have 100,000 of our citizens locked up and I cannot for the life of me see a funny side to that. :s

[outwoodclaret]

When a young Sean Dyche unwrapped his first model train set at Christmas and saw the locomotive he screamed with delight. It was a 4-4-2 of course!

[The Bedlington Terrier]

How on earth did this one resurface?

Assuming Christmas is on this year I'll get mine in early.

It was passed on to me by my 5 year old grandson and he thought it was funny, so here goes...

Grandson's question: “What is Santa’s favourite pizza?”

Grandson's answer: "One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.”

He tried. ;)