PDA

View Full Version : O/T Friday night joke thread. Some jokes may cause offence



frogmiller
04-02-2022, 05:57 PM
*Something here to offend everyone - in every sense...* 😬🙄

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered ***ual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having *** there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that *** is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateaux...

Scum-Triumphant
04-02-2022, 06:15 PM
Women are like parking spaces.

All the best ones are taken so now and then you have to stick it in a disabled one.

Adventus2012
04-02-2022, 06:16 PM
Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.>:)

Adventus2012
04-02-2022, 06:17 PM
Two men broke into a Chemist shop and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Adventus2012
04-02-2022, 06:19 PM
I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your pen15 is bigger than your brother's." :O;)

Adventus2012
04-02-2022, 06:24 PM
A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

South Coast Miller
04-02-2022, 06:53 PM
20948

gm_gm
04-02-2022, 07:08 PM
*Something here to offend everyone - in every sense...* ����

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered ***ual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having *** there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that *** is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateaux...

You’ve been busy ..;D

frogmiller
04-02-2022, 07:41 PM
You’ve been busy ..;D

My mate sent them. I'm not funny 😶

avondalemiller
04-02-2022, 07:42 PM
some good uns there .......

frogmiller
04-02-2022, 08:33 PM
The cheese man alway makes me smile

Brin
05-02-2022, 01:10 AM
S.ex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

thaimillerfan
05-02-2022, 02:57 PM
The funny thing about those jokes Frog was getting my Thai bride to laugh. Blummin hard work, no sense of humour. Well she did marry me.

thaimillerfan
05-02-2022, 02:59 PM
My wife asked me how do I grip a golf club ? I said like you do with my peni5. Now she holds the golf club in her mouth.

fivetide
05-02-2022, 05:32 PM
Our lass was at it this morning "I'm so wet. Give it to me now" she said.

Told her she should have brought her own umbrella. Wasn't getting mine.

Ronners
06-02-2022, 12:02 AM
I was sitting in my local, feeling glum because I haven't been laid for ages. The barman spotted me and said, 'Cheer up mate, it might never happen!'.........

C**t.

Ronners
06-02-2022, 12:04 AM
Ever have one of those mornings where you can't even be bothered to get dressed? Anyway, I was arrested at the bus stop.

clarkey1974
06-02-2022, 12:07 AM
Walked into a pub today………It bloody hurt..!.

CAMiller
06-02-2022, 01:04 AM
Our lass was at it this morning "I'm so wet. Give it to me now" she said.

Told her she should have brought her own umbrella. Wasn't getting mine.

It sometimes pays to read a thread before posting ;D