Court Proceedings!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line …….. and we think he'll win.

We were in Bolton Crown Court and peeked in on a murder case.

Eavesdropping we heard the defence barrister tell the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

However, it still did not end well for the defendant. :blue:

Just had to add this :-
Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

The wife swears this story is true.

She was stopped on Manchester Road in Bolton about two years ago by a bizzie who said, “When I saw you driving down the road madam, I guessed 55 at least.”

Aghast, she replied, “You’re wrong, officer. It’s only my hat that makes me look that old.” :?

I love the instant come back to those in authority.
In 1985 we were rehearsing for the Edinburgh Tattoo and were just wlkaing down the Esplanade at the end of the rehearsal. a couple of the lads were carrying their cornets, fanfare trumpets and their boxes containing their ceremonial headgear etc. There was an Army Lieutenant coming in the opposite direction and thsoe of us who were able threw up a salute as was expected. However, this idiot turned round and challenged the lads who were carrying all the gear saying "Do you not salute Army Officers in the Royal Air Force?" The response from one of the lads, an old and bold Corporal from Yorkshire was "No sir, we don't have any Army Officers in the Royal Air Force!" The cheer went up from the rest of the lads and one Lieutenant had the sense not to pursue the matter further.

Subject: Engineer Makes it good
A
n Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."


"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

This is a true story from about 40 years ago, I knew the lad involved. He was running a second hand car dealership in Burnley and had been falsifying the accounts to lower his tax bill. He was up in court in Burnley, bang to rights and found guilty. Before sentencing his solicitor pleaded for leniency from the judge, he said 'My client is a decent, honest, hard working businessman, who has acted completely out of character when committing these offences.'

Good try, but the judge was not impressed, he'd been found guilty on 17 different charges over a period of two years.