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I phoned The Samaritans and said "I'm at the top of Beachy Head and I'm gonna toss myself off"
The woman on the other end of the line said "what about the people below?"
I said "don't worry love they'll probably think it's just bird $hit".
What’s better than winning gold in the Paralympics?
Walking.
A coloured fella walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Very nice, where did you get it?"
"From Africa." Replied the parrot.
Teacher: "So did anyone do anything fun for bonfire night?"
Little Johnny: "I did miss, I caught some cats and shoved bangers up their ar$e ....."
Teacher: "Rectum Johnny! Rectum!"
Little Johnny: "Sure did miss, blew the furry little ba$tards to bits!"
What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
One effects the cow's brain causing it to go mental.
The other is a illness found in cattle
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Just got back from Bradford and I must say I met one of the nicest ethnic minority couples in the place.
George and Shelia.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the fuqin ship?"
Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Trump turns to Sanders and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a $hit about the 140 million Muslims.’
(linky) ....https://twitter.com/footbalIfights/s...03846221434880
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Karen Brady is on the apprentice every week taking the piss out of the contestants decision making.
Then she goes and hires David Moyes.....
Just got a recipe off the internet for a Jewish Omelette
Step1. Borrow 3 eggs.
So Robert Mugabe has resigned.
Harry Redknapp has said he is interested in the role
Whilst most of us are getting 50% off for Black Friday - Oscar Pistorious is getting 100% added on
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First we had Diana, Queen of Hearts.
Now we'll have Meghan, Queen of Spades
Prince Phillip and the Queen were asked if they were upset that Prince Harry was marrying a n....r
They replied "We don't give a fuq, we're not even related to the kid"
No surprise that Harry and Meghan are star matched .. anagram of ginger??
Newsflash:
Jonathan Ross has just been arrested after saying Christmas is a good time to put wogs on the fire.
Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD.
Church leaders and politicians lambasting Trump for anti-Muslim tweets:
Pity the PC vvankers didn't have the guts to speak out about Muslim grooming gangs in Rotherham, Bradford, Leicester, Luton, and Rochdale.
(bit of politics there for the lefties.......)
I just applied for a job in the Citroen factory.
I had to send in 2CVs.
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They've published another week of Elizabeth Fritzl's diary -
Monday:- Stayed in, dad came down and fuqed me.
Tuesday:- Stayed in, got fuqed by dad
Wednesday:- Stayed in, dad fuqed me doggy style
Thursday:- Stayed in, dad spunked on my face
Friday:- Stayed in, dad gave my ar$e a right pounding
Saturday:- Went to watch Sheffield Wednesday play...... wish I'd stayed in.
Christmas Day at Buckingham Palace and Prince Philip is carving the royal turkey.
He turns to Prince Harry and says, "Harry, do you prefer dark meat or light meat?"...
"Bugger, forget I asked".
After Lily Allen has failed to evict residents from her flat all of her fans have turned up to try to resolve the situation.
Neither of them had any luck either.
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An oldie.......
Tampax are releasing a tampon with tinsel attached to it.
It's for the Christmas period.....
You can tell a lot about a person by their car.
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman's.
Just opened door twentytwelvety on my Dianne Abbott advent calendar
A couple of Down syndrome kids have just knocked on my front door and started to sing Christmas Carols.
Mongs of praise.
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I've heard that supermarkets secretly waft the smell of their bakery around the store to encourage you to buy bread.
I can only come to the conclusion that my local Pa*i shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.
Just went into the pub and asked for a pint of anything except Stella.
"What's wrong with Stella?" Asked the Barman.
"I had twelve pints of Stella last night and the next thing I remember, I was fuqin skint." I replied.
"Twelve pints of anything costs roughly the same, pal" He said.
"Yeah, I know." I replied. ............."But Skint is my dog."
Started a new job as a delivery man today. ....
When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in garage."
That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me.
https://twitter.com/TheWorldOfFunny/...45125135847425
https://twitter.com/TheWorldOfFunny/...67406397722625
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Nearly had a heart attack in the pub last night. This Muslim comes through the door shouting Allah..., Allah.., Allah.....
Was expecting an explosion but then he said al have a pint. Stuttering c*nt.
If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.
(innit, Exile)
Just found out I've failed my German exam.
Sacre bleu!
A Scottish lottery winner has announced he'll buy Glasgow Rangers FC.
The man was not available for comment but his wife told reporters.....
"He's over the moon and who knows what he would have done if he'd got a fourth number up"