O/T Friday neet joke time (Adult theme content)

Evenin…

Let's have a larf….



Stats show that the average person has *** 69 times a year….

Looks like i'm in for a wild December!

I've heard that VillaMiller bought a deodorant stick today he'd never used one…he read the instructions 'Remove the top and slowly push up bottom'

He says he's in casualty but his farts smell lovely…..

Doctor asks the prostitute …

'Do you know who the father is?'

She replies …'Oh for goodness sake..if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?'

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of *** comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a ****y, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider unti

Q: Why did God give men C**ks?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Rotherham job.

I knew it was a shyte squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

A lengthy one but worth reading….

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold *** toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized *** doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation, the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

A blind carpenter walks into a wood mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a wood yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some wood on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of wood on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, four by two, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of wood for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of wood on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and tak

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having *** with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"