Arf

Frank is given an ultimatum by his wife:

'If you come back home pissed from the pub one more time, that's it. I'm kicking you out'.

'I won't, I won't, I promise' he says.

Naturally, that night, he goes to the pub and gets rat-arsed to the point where he throws up all over himself, ruining his suit. 'What am I going to do, man?' he asks his mate, 'if I go home like this my wife's going to kick me out.'

'No problem' says his friend 'tell her somebody threw up all over you but put a £20 note in your top pocket and say it was from the guy who was sick on you to cover the cost of dry cleaning.'

'Brilliant' replies Frank.

He gets home and his wife opens the door; seeing the puke all over his suit, she screams 'Right, that's it, Frank, you're out of here.'

Pulling the money out of his top pocket, he puts his friend's plan into action: 'No, pet, it's not what you think- it's not my sick. Look, the guy who did it gave me 20 quid to cover the cost of cleaning.'

'Well why have you got two twenty pound notes in your hand?'

Frank replies 'Oh, that's from the bloke who shat in my pants'.

FFS, I thought you were telling us a story about Lampard.