Joke thread

[tooslomofo]

What is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea??

















I wouldn’t spend £150 to have a lentil on my face

[michaelowen]

Family down the road in sunderland were burgled last night. The dirty burglars had a ****e in a pan of broth.



The poor sunderland family had to throw half of it away.....

[ashingtoon62]

What's the definition of a dyslexic,agnostic suffering from insomnia?

Someone that lies awake all night,wondering if there really is a dog....

[Zippity]

Can't remember if I've posted this before but here goes...

Pregnant lass is shopping in Fenwick's when her waters break. In a panic, she phones her Mum. She's hysterical so her Mum tries to calm her down:

'it's fine, pet, it's fine. Now tell me, where are you ringing from?'

The lass replies 'from me fanny to me feet-why's that important?'

[andyj73]

Family down the road in sunderland were burgled last night. The dirty burglars had a ****e in a pan of broth.



The poor sunderland family had to throw half of it away.....

.. What does a Geordie lass use as a *** aid .. A bus stop ..

.. (Disclaimer) My youngest sister is a Geordie lass .. See what I have done there ..

[andyj73]

.. Fella walking his dog through the cemetery. Woman says morning. Fella says no, just walking the dog ..

[ex_pat_magpie]

.. What does a Geordie lass use as a *** aid .. A bus stop ..

.. (Disclaimer) My youngest sister is a Geordie lass .. See what I have done there ..

What is your oldest sister then Andy?

[ex_pat_magpie]

Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each went into a retirement home of their respective religions.
But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we f**k."

[waalsendmick]

two Geordie donkeys in a rowing boat....

... one say eeee aaawww

the other says Phuck off, yee oar!!

[Jammy89]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk in to a bar. . . What is this, some kind of joke.