I phoned The Samaritans and said "I'm at the top of Beachy Head and I'm gonna toss myself off"

The woman on the other end of the line said "what about the people below?"

I said "don't worry love they'll probably think it's just bird $hit".



What’s better than winning gold in the Paralympics?

Walking.



A coloured fella walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Very nice, where did you get it?"

"From Africa." Replied the parrot.




Teacher: "So did anyone do anything fun for bonfire night?"
Little Johnny: "I did miss, I caught some cats and shoved bangers up their ar$e ....."
Teacher: "Rectum Johnny! Rectum!"
Little Johnny: "Sure did miss, blew the furry little ba$tards to bits!"



What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

One effects the cow's brain causing it to go mental.
The other is a illness found in cattle