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I was asked to help design the first monopoly board - I thought, 'I’ll give it a go’

I was out walking the dogs today and someone asked me if they were jack Russells, I replied "no they’re mine"

My wife said I dont isten to her anymore, or something like that

What do you call a bee that cant make up its mind - a maybe

I went in to a pet shop and said "can I buy a goldfish' the guy said "do you want an aquarium' I said "I dont care what star sign it is"

What do you call a farmer that doesn't like tractors anymore? - an extractor fan

The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle died yesterday - his wife is said to be in 1500 pieces

A friend of mine just lost his job at the mint factory - his wife went absolutely menthol

How many ears does captain kirk have - three. One left ear, one right ear and the final front ear

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning - 'I don't believe you" replies dolly ‘its true, no bull"

I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes - she had a dirty habit

What cheese is made backwards - edam

A little boy came up to me and said "please help, my dad is in a fight" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him which ones ya dad he replied "I dont know thats what they’re fighting about"

People often ask me why I wanted to be a film editor, well to cut a long story short

My pet mouse elvis died last night - he was caught in a trap

Patient: Doc I cant stop singing the green green grass of home
Doc: that sounds like tom jones syndrome
Patient: is it common?
Doc: well, its not unusual

A group of chess players booked into a hotel and stood in the lobby talking about their tournament victories suddenly the manager came out and asked them to disperse - "but why"? they asked - "because I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

Me: can you teach me to do the splits?
gym instructor: how flexible are ya?
me: Well, i cant make Tuesday's

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke