Just back from the zoo.
Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.
It was bread in captivity...................
I asked the wife why she keeps standing in front of me. She replied, "I don't follow".
Close your eyes & rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand & a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference
It also gets you banned from Asda................
Polishing mirrors-now that's a job I could see myself doing...........
Got an invisibility cloak....just can't see myself wearing it .
A string walks into a bar & orders a beer;
Bartender: "Are you a string?"
String: "well, yes I am"
Bartender: "then get the heck out, we don't serve your kind here!"
The string leaves then returns wearing a hat & sunglasses.
String: "I'd like a beer please"
Bartender: "wait a minute, take off that hat"
String removes hat
Bartender: "Now take off those sunglasses"
String removes sunglasses
Bartender: "AHA! I knew it! You're a string & I've already told you that we don't serve your kind here. Now get the heck out!!!"
String goes home & thinks it over. He ties himself several times in the middle then takes a hairbrush to his ends then returns to the bar & politely orders a beer.
Bartender (indignantly): "Arn't you a string?"
String: "Nope! I'm afraid knot!!!!"
Why was the % of black casualties higher in the Vietnam war than other US army ethnic groups?
When the sergeant said get down ,
They all stood up and started to dance .