Uniteds Job Advert For a Manager

[Psaw2]

Admire this beautiful city through your car windscreen, you wont be able to afford it, when you commute. Manage a gifted team full of talented players, especially the young ones. Our Director of football, who isn't a director of football sez so.

A generation of failure is just bad luck, weve hit the bar a number of times and had a few near misses. 90% of conceded goals are flukes. Our luck is about to turn.

You will be able to shop for players in reserve teams, for example Hartlepool United where we got that superstar Jake Carroll. Never rule out Sutton United, St Neots, or Bromley. You must be expected to sign knackered journeymen that no else wants, that die on the job. Free transfers are a must. Even if they have a club foot, and have trouble standing up, you will play them in the first team because we regularly run out of players.

The board will back you ion the transfer market with all the gusto they have got, sending you complimentary emails, and verbal support. They will back the chief scout when he identifies another Jake Carroll, with greenbacks, while ignoring you.

The board will not listen to your report in the boardroom. Players here regularly go on holiday during the season like our former managing director Jez George who fked off to watch the ashes mid season. The players will pretend to have an injury, and you will make excuses for them in the press.

This is especially important in regards to Jack Roles who wants a break whenever he wants one, because he is special,and some pitches do not deserve his talent. Like the Macclesfield one. And the directors agree with him.

You will molly coddle the players like the directors do, and fulfil there every need. Everyone. You will not be critical.

If they have a bad game, which is 90%of the time, you will praise them. If you don't the dummy will be spat and the directors will be upset. They will then get injured anyway.

The director of football, ex Cambridge City manager(failed), will judge you, the players will play like they have cornovirus, the directors will appoint a new coach, and fire your signings, then you will be

FIRED.

Your career will be over, no one gets fired by Cambridge and goes onto better things.

Apply now to...….Mickey Mouse, Director of football, but isn't, Abbey Stadium etc.

Paul Barry. We expect to carry on traditions here, if you want to win games of football, don't apply.

[griff]

That’s league 2 in a nutshell, Frank. The gaps between the Divisions are getting bigger. At least we’ve spent a few quid (no one saw that coming) and landed a few promising younger players. You need to be looking at next season, not the rest of this one.

[Psaw2]

My sarcasm can sometimes be to subtle. I described the players as talented, which is not the case. Apart from one or two, they are one finger piano players.
Having said that div 2 is an effort and strength league. Newport got themselves out of trouble two seasons ago purely on those values. Just one talented player in any team would make a tremendous difference. If you had two promotion is on.
United are at Newport Saturday, and Newport will swarm like bees. This shock result against Colchester will be shown for what it is.

A flash in the pan. The players will fight with all their 850 cc engines will put out. To fight like the spartans must mean you care, this team got two decent men fired, what do they care? Their contracts are secure and will expect them to be renewed.

The link between managers getting sacked and their performances does not exist for them. If I had the money to buy United and I walked into the dressing room two minutes after the end of this season, I would, Alan Sugar style, sack most of them. No explanation given apart from the word cack.

I would then get on the phone to John Beck and ask him if he fancied it. If he didn't id ask Dunne or Calderwood back, and tell them not to worry about the players not performing, because I would always back them, and fire anyone who got a lip.

Its like a family, the kids will split the parents. The parents have to stay united, regardless. At United the kids are in charge resulting in chaos, and one parent, the board, backs the children.

Failure is guaranteed.