jokes

[ozleeds]

5 traits to find the perfect woman
1 Kind patient
2 Makes you smile and makes you laugh
3 great in bed
4 keeps house spotless
5 Don't tell your wife about the other 4

[ozleeds]

Little Johnny comes home from school and says dad i got in trouble at school.
Dad what have you done this time?
Well I was at the cafeteria got my sandwich and there was a basket full of apples with a sign stating only take one as god is watching.
Than when i moved on there was another basket full of Bananas with no sign so i made one up.
What did you write on it dad asks?
I wrote take as many as you want god is watching the apples.

[ozleeds]

A lady is watering her garden and husband walks up behind squeezes her Boobs and say if they still worked i wouldn't have to buy a cow for milk.
Than he grabs her on the arse and says and if that still worked i wouldn't need to buy chickens so I can get some eggs.
Woman agrilly turns around points at his thing between his legs and says and if that still worked I wouldn't need to visit the neighbour every day.

[ozleeds]

Scientist found a cure for man.
It is caused by a desert which causes pain and suffering for the rest of their lives.
It is called the wedding cake.

[hopelesslyoptimistic]

Are you trying out your new material before you go on tour Oz? 😎

[Billyni]

Are you trying out your new material before you go on tour Oz? ��

He should choose his audience areas carefully

[ozleeds]

Are you trying out your new material before you go on tour Oz? ��

yeah me thinks it will be my farewell one as everyone else does it but just like WTF I will resurface (JK wtf)

[ozleeds]

friend came over and said Peter are you ok?
I said no been constipated for 3 days i can't take it anymore.
He said go buy some Metamucil and put 2 tablespoons in water and mix up.
Drink it it's ok it tastes like Orange Juice!
Me goes to supermarket checks it out 35 dollars me says farke that.
Went to fridge and got 2 litres of pure Orange juice for 7.50
Friend comes over says how did you go? I said no good. He says did you take the metamucil?
I said no i got this Orange juice thats tastes like Orange Juice

[ozleeds]

Cruise ship sinking in Atlantic ocean.
Captain and priest stay behind till all adults are off.
Captain looking for priest finds him and says all man and women are off we better get off now.
Priest what about all the kids?
Captain farke the kids!
Priest DO WE HAVE TIME?

[Billyni]

That’s the Muslims and catholics sorted now Oz. Keep going