O/T Friday Neet joke thread (adult theme)

[Gwyther]

Don't forget this years Comic Relief.

A£5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his F***ing girlfriend.

[Brin]

Found a box of Viagra last night. Bloody things didn't work.

Turns out they're past their swell by date...

[Barnsley_Miller]

A Boy walked in from School and told his Mum that he'd had *** with his teacher at school that Day. His Mum sent him straight to bed and told him that he would be in for it when his Dad came Home.

An hour later Dad came home and was told the story, He made straight for his Sons Bedroom. Look Son this type of thing just wont do, your too young and your Mums very upset.

Then the Dad starts to rethink and changes his mind, the more I think about it Son the more I feel proud of what you have done, not everyone gets to have *** with their Teacher. Tomorrow I'll buy you a new bike just to show how proud I am of you Son, the Boy says great Dad but can you get it me next week, my Ar$e might not hurt as much then!

[Barnsley_Miller]

morphine worn off then

I know this doesn't apply to you but...

I was having my hair cut at the hairdressers today when the fit bird doing my hair asked "How much would you like off the top sir?"

"The blouse and the bra please!" I replied.[/quote]

[Barnsley_Miller]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.

Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc?

The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw, you hit her with the shovel.

[jolly_roger]

Before his trial I met Ocar Pistorius and said to him "do you know Oscar, if you had a tin of shoe polish you could have blacked her up, shot her and got away with it"

Then I thought how politically uncorrect that was.


How in hell would Oscar Pistorius have a tin of black shoe polish.

[CTMilller]

Man texts his neighbour...

I am so sorry Steve, I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The neighbour, anguished and betrayed, went home, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[Brin]

Man texts his neighbour...

I am so sorry Steve, I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The neighbour, anguished and betrayed, went home, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

X-D X- D

[LRmiller]

Nice to see you back on form Brin! Hope you are recovering well.

[Brin]

Cheers pal...if all is ok I'm looking to be discharged today then r&r at home hoping to make the game next Saturday... No chance of the Oldham game