o/t sarcastic, humorous, rude,

[Exiletyke]

Hello, thank you for calling us at the Jehovah’s Witness Kingdom Hall, how can I help you?

When Jehova's Witness called at my house a while back I said hi come in &
I asked what I could for them & to my surprise they said they didn't know
When I asked why they didn't know they said they'd never got this far before

[flourbasher]

A long time ago when I was at school a friend of mine had the house to himself as his parents had gone away.
He was awoken about early on the Sunday morning after a nights boozing by the doorbell and it was the Jehovah,s.
They only stayed on the door step about 10 seconds and then hurriedly left without any encouragement from my mate.

It was only when he was going back upstairs he realised he'd dropped out of his pyjama bottoms

[John2]

Do you have any killer one-liners that you have used while ranting on the phone, to media gas/water/leccy, providers or better still RMBC?

My mate begins all his conversations by telling them THEY are being recorded., rather than the company doing the recording.He really does record the conversation as well.

If I have the time I try and waste the time of scam callers for as long as possible so they can't scam more vulnerable people, and sometimes see how ridiculous I can be without them hanging up which amuses me greatly.

If I get calls about a problem with my computer I go along with it and pretend to be the most incompetent computer user in the world, inspired by my experiences helping older relatives who I'll show them how to install something and they'll panic on "It says 'welcome, click next to continue', what should I do now?" I type every instruction they give me slowly and wrong so we have to do every tiny step about 5 times to the point of absurdity, I can feel the frustration building inside them while I try not to laugh.

When I get calls asking about an accident I was in, I like to string them along until they ask me what my injuries were and I say something along the lines of "moderate decapitation", which throws them, and then I detail that my head completely came off but they glued it back on. Or I get them all excited they have a sale and then give a name like Michael Mouse and my address as Disney World, and start talking about my wife mini. Or I once told someone asking about "my accident" in detail about how all my family in the car died and I have to live with the guilt every day and he sincerely apologised sounding quite emotional and then ended the call.

Sadly after I made this little game, I stopped getting scam calls!

[Grist_To_The_Mill]

Looking at some of these replies the cold caller would have passed out just listening.

[EasyAndEarly]

"Hello.....Battersea dogs home.....

We kill em - you grill Em!"

[Grist_To_The_Mill]

"Hello.....Battersea dogs home.....

We kill em - you grill Em!"

Best yet

Adds a whole new meaning as to why dachshunds are called sausage dogs

[gm_gm]

I have a recording of a loud barking dog and the owner saying constantly "sorry about this, get down, go outside, stop barking, get off it...etc" all the time the dog is going mental.

Had one of Johns Chinese computer repair guys on for 25 mins before he cottoned on

[Grist_To_The_Mill]

Just hold the phone at arms length and say “ quick, turn on the tracer, I’ve got a live one here”

[BigLadonOS]

My mate always answers with " How did you get this number? I am detective Stevens and am in the middle of a murder enquiry. They hang up very quickly.

[CTMilller]

I just tend not to answer the phone unless I recognise the caller. It's quicker to listen to messages afterwards and quickly delete them than go through some complicated charade. Only about 1% actually leave a message.