O/T Friday neet joke thread (Please do not read if easily offended) 18+

[Ronners]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled .....so I told her to **** off.

That always makes me laugh.

[Brin]

What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bi***ual woman?

About 4 drinks.

[Brin]

Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? They're called Dikes.

They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

[Brin]

What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?


Potpourri.

[Brin]

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your p.enis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your p.enis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your p.enis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go f.uck yourself.

[Brin]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[sawmiller]

Got stung by a bee today - £40 for a jar of honey

[sawmiller]

Man walks into a Zoo - but the only thing he sees is a small dog - it was a S.hitzu

[Ronners]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T] When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Grist_To_The_Mill]

Old joke left and right.

Boris Johnson version:-

Two nuns in the bath and one says "where's the soap” The other nun replies “yes it does, doesn’t it”

Jeremy Corbyn version

Two nuns in the bath and one says "where's the soap". The other nun replies “ yes a shocking example of underfunding and lack of basic supplies caused by Tory NHS cuts”