O/T Friday neet joke thread (Please do not read if easily offended) 18+

[Ronners]

A huge flying saucer lands at a petrol station in the middle of nowhere. The alien gets out and asks the attendant to "fill her up with unleaded". The attendant starts to fill it up but when it gets to £300 he gets a bit concerned and says "I hope you can pay for this " The alien says "don't worry I can cover it". After several more assurances that the alien can pay eventually all the pumps are empty and the bill is £20,000 they go inside to settle up and the alien says " have you got change for a bleem?"

[Brin]

A huge flying saucer lands at a petrol station in the middle of nowhere. The alien gets out and asks the attendant to "fill her up with unleaded". The attendant starts to fill it up but when it gets to £300 he gets a bit concerned and says "I hope you can pay for this " The alien says "don't worry I can cover it". After several more assurances that the alien can pay eventually all the pumps are empty and the bill is £20,000 they go inside to settle up and the alien says " have you got change for a bleem?"

...

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her ***ual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

[Brin]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have *** when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for ***.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

[Brin]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

[jakethemiller]

A worker at the nestlè factory was crushed when a case full of chocolate fell 20 feet off a storage rack.
He called for help repeatedly, but every time he shouted 'The milky bars are on me' his workmates just cheered.

Like the lad who fell in a vat of chocolate and all his mates sang "Billy don't be an Aero"

Glad Friday Neet's back missed it loads.

[MagyarMiller]

Two fish in a tank - one turns to the other and says “How the **** do you drive this thing?”

I love daft jokes and this really made me laugh out loud

Nice one Saw

[Ronners]

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

[Brin]

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

Boom Boom!

[Brin]

“What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.”

[Back of the net]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of *** comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a ****y, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."