O/T Friday neet joke thread (Please do not read if easily offended) 18+

[sawmiller]

Man walks into a Zoo - but the only thing he sees is a small dog - it was a S.hitzu

[Ronners]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T] When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Grist_To_The_Mill]

Old joke left and right.

Boris Johnson version:-

Two nuns in the bath and one says "where's the soap” The other nun replies “yes it does, doesn’t it”

Jeremy Corbyn version

Two nuns in the bath and one says "where's the soap". The other nun replies “ yes a shocking example of underfunding and lack of basic supplies caused by Tory NHS cuts”

[Ronners]

A huge flying saucer lands at a petrol station in the middle of nowhere. The alien gets out and asks the attendant to "fill her up with unleaded". The attendant starts to fill it up but when it gets to £300 he gets a bit concerned and says "I hope you can pay for this " The alien says "don't worry I can cover it". After several more assurances that the alien can pay eventually all the pumps are empty and the bill is £20,000 they go inside to settle up and the alien says " have you got change for a bleem?"

[Brin]

A huge flying saucer lands at a petrol station in the middle of nowhere. The alien gets out and asks the attendant to "fill her up with unleaded". The attendant starts to fill it up but when it gets to £300 he gets a bit concerned and says "I hope you can pay for this " The alien says "don't worry I can cover it". After several more assurances that the alien can pay eventually all the pumps are empty and the bill is £20,000 they go inside to settle up and the alien says " have you got change for a bleem?"

...

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her ***ual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

[Brin]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have *** when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for ***.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

[Brin]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

[MagyarMiller]

Two fish in a tank - one turns to the other and says “How the **** do you drive this thing?”

I love daft jokes and this really made me laugh out loud

Nice one Saw

[Ronners]

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

[Brin]

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

Boom Boom!