We’re about to endure a CO2 shortage crisis, say the experts. As far as fizzy drinks are concerned, I gave up when Moray Cup production was ceased by the capitalist filth who took over from Sangs of Macduff. Apparently it has other uses though.

Pardon me if I question the predictions of the so-called experts. If we are to believe (and I generally do) climate scientists, we’re surrounded by the potentially-asphyxiating stuff, clarting the upper layers and planetary zones, and setting afire The Gramps - although the scamps of Kincorth may have a pyro hand or two in that - and biling the Jibberie Wallie.

It seems that this gas is also required for more benign reasons, food processing and production among them.

So, in the interests of both development of a circular global economy, feeding people, and reducing the prevalence of this harmful gas in our atmosphere, why nae get a big fuuck-off hoover, preferably not a Dyson, and sook enough out of the sky for the good of all whatevergenderself-assignedkind?

Win-win (pay attention, Stephen Glass).

Come on scientists, get on with it.

Next week: Using Christies of Fochabers’ 1974 tree-planting processes and technology (my back is still aching) to revive the Amazonian rain forests.