anything goes

[abbobrom]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had ***?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no *** since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

[abbobrom]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor. He had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

[abbobrom]

A guy went for a walk with his new girlfriend and they saw dogs mating. She said: “How does the male know when the female is ready for ***?"

The guy replied: “He can smell she is ready . That is how nature works."
They then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe. Again his girlfriend asked: “How does the ram knew when the ewe was ready for ***?"
The guy replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.
Anyway, and after the walk, the guy dropped her home and kissed her goodbye. She said: “Take care and get yourself checked for Covid-19."
Surprised, the guy asked her: “Why do you feel that way?"

She replied: "I think you've lost your sense of smell...."

[abbobrom]

https://email.bt.com/mail/bin?r=%7B%...o9aHbIXWgIKViw

[Woking88]

Some great funnies there Abbo. You could post those on the joke thread on the other site.

[abbobrom]

Some great funnies there Abbo. You could post those on the joke thread on the other site.

On your advice I have now done so.

[abbobrom]

This should have been my post 94 but somehow didn't work.

People born before 1946 are called The Greatest Generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1964 and 1979 are called Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my own room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy my own food?

Is that the reason you can see a Y just above the waist band at the back of their trousers?

[abbobrom]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.

Then try 25kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[abbobrom]

At Buckingham Palace, a young junior butler is talking to the Chief Butler...

Junior: "Excuse me sir, but I'm trying to improve my vocabulary. Can you tell me the meaning of the word "aplomb"?

Chief: "Yes, certainly. It means displaying complete confidence and stability in a relaxed manner, even in testing circumstances."

Junior: "Oh, I see. Can you give me a real life example?"

Chief: "Yes I can. Do you remember last night, when the Queen and Duke were in the rose garden?"

Junior: "Yes sir."

Chief: "And do you remember how the Duke pricked his finger on a particularly nasty thorn when trying to pick a rose for the Queen?"

Junior: "Yes sir, I do."

Chief: "And do you remember at breakfast this morning, the Queen asking the Duke 'Is your prick still throbbing after last night, Dear?'"

Junior: "Yes sir."

Chief: "And do you recall my sniggering, coughing, fidgetting etc?"

Junior: "No. You certainly didn't!"

Chief: "That's aplomb!"

[WOODLANDSWOLF]

Great entertainment Abbo.......Cheers!

On a different subject. Christmas decorations. Every year we manage to miss a piece of decoration when taking them down at the end of the Christmas period. It is not necessarily a small piece either, it can be anything from a snow globe to a dirty great wreath, we just miss it and it hangs there until we suddenly stumble on it months later. This year it was a streamer above one of the windows, discovered today!

Anyone else have this problem?

I know when I was a kid when the decorations came down it was a really depressing day. Although they weren't much, just streamers of twisted colored paper and a few sick looking balloons, the alternative of just bare walls took some getting used to again. Now we have jammed bookcases and paintings all over/on the walls but in our house in the 50s when the decorations came down all it was was a square cell covered in usually horrendous wallpaper. Took about a week to get used to it again.

Happy days!!