Reply With QuoteOriginally Posted by abbobrom
For the elder and more fragile amongst us "turning over a new leaf" might be a more conservative way to start.
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Subject: Exercise tips without physical effort
These may come in useful during lockdown.
A List of STRENUOUS ACTIVITIES that do not require much PHYSICAL EFFORT...
01) Beating around the bush...
02) Jumping to conclusions...
03) Climbing up the wall...
04) Swallowing your pride...
05) Passing the buck...
06) Throwing your weight around...
07) Dragging your heels...
08) Pushing your luck...
09) Making mountains out of molehills...
10) Hitting the nail on the head...
11) Wading through paperwork...
12) Bending over backwards...
13) Jumping on the bandwagon...
14) Balancing the books...
15) Running around in circles...
16) Eating crow...
17) Blowing your own horn...
18) Climbing the ladder of success...
19) Pulling out all the stops...
20) Adding fuel to the fire...
21) Opening a can of worms...
22) Putting your foot in your mouth...
23) Setting the ball rolling...
24) Going over the edge...
25) Picking up the pieces...
What a workout !
Now SIT DOWN, and...
26) Exercise Caution!
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For the elder and more fragile amongst us "turning over a new leaf" might be a more conservative way to start.
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Especially for Woody.
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fif**** minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.
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Wonderful stuff mate! #3 above, my ex boss in the UK to a tee [no pun intended!].
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halfway through lockdown 2...getting fucking bored.
anyroad
our hearing dog has passed all his tests , and is off to merseyside next monday .
the recipient is a totally deaf young lad , who also has cerebral palsy, he has been on the
waiting list over 4 years for a hearing dog, bittersweet moment.but the dog will be of great help
to the lad.
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1
Last edited by abbobrom; 19-11-2020 at 05:25 PM.
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He looks a nice dog with an intelligent face.
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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p e n i s is under your pillow."
"MEN NEVER LISTEN"
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Some good laughs in there.
Lovely dog Greavsey.
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What a beauty. Looks like he is up for the job. Well done mate.halfway through lockdown 2...getting fucking bored.
anyroad
our hearing dog has passed all his tests , and is off to merseyside next monday .
the recipient is a totally deaf young lad , who also has cerebral palsy, he has been on the
waiting list over 4 years for a hearing dog, bittersweet moment.but the dog will be of great help
to the lad.
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