I was called a hyperchondriac by Mrs DJ the other day and have since taken to my bed. This has caused me stress and anxiety. I've lost weight, my hairs fell out and I've begun watching rerun's of the last of the summer wine. I've lost my job and have fallen behind on the mortgage repayments. I've also started rocking backward and forward whilst singing "this old House" by shakin Stevens.
Friends and family have disowned me, even my loyal and trusted pot bellied pig Horace is ignoring me.
I've thought about suicide brought on by Danny dyers acting skills in EastEnders and I have a strange smell eminating from my undercarriage.
This may be my last message, I can't go on like this. I fear a concoction of tablets, brake fluid and industrial strength drain cleaner is the way forward.
Adieu now!