Coercive control

[mickd1961]

Have any of you come across this?

One of my daughters has been through a terrible time with this growing problem.

My wife and I have been praying she’d rid herself of the vermin that attached himself to her a couple of years ago, like a cross between a leech and a cancer.

This bloke literally hid from my wife or myself if we popped around to our daughter’s house individually or as a couple…….a total coward.

She’s finally kicked him out and some of the stuff that’s now coming out from her is horrendous.

The depths these narcissists will stoop to to control and ruin a partner’s self esteem and self confidence is beyond contemptible.

If this pond life goes anywhere near my daughter or grandson again I will cause him more damage than he’s ever caused her, I’ll do time for this loathsome c u n t.

There is some very sick men ( and women ) out there.

Have any of you seen your kids or grandchildren suffer from this type of coercive partner?

[Omegstrat6]

Have any of you come across this?

One of my daughters has been through a terrible time with this growing problem.

My wife and I have been praying she’d rid herself of the vermin that attached himself to her a couple of years ago, like a cross between a leech and a cancer.

This bloke literally hid from my wife or myself if we popped around to our daughter’s house individually or as a couple…….a total coward.

She’s finally kicked him out and some of the stuff that’s now coming out from her is horrendous.

The depths these narcissists will stoop to to control and ruin a partner’s self esteem and self confidence is beyond contemptible.

If this pond life goes anywhere near my daughter or grandson again I will cause him more damage than he’s ever caused her, I’ll do time for this loathsome c u n t.

There is some very sick men ( and women ) out there.

Have any of you seen your kids or grandchildren suffer from this type of coercive partner?

Sadly, yes. Our son got involved with someone who at first appeared quite charming but as time went on there were increasing signs of narcissism and controlling behaviour. It got to the point that he rarely even contacted us after the birth of their son even though we had previously been very close and our escalating fears led us to doing a Cause of Concern due to suspected gaslighting. This caused a massive rift between us and much heartbreak. Eventually he left her but is currently enduring a truly horrendous time battling her heinous allegations and lies to gain access to his son as she tries every delaying tactic (and worse) in the book. The process of the law, police and social services is slug slow and these delays are themselves-as I know you know too well yourself-extremely damaging with far reaching effects. I just pray for karma!!

[boingy]

You have to protect yourself from any behaviours that are bad for you and your self esteem. People have issues from a scale of 1-100 say.
Most peoples issues don't harm anyone except themselves. Others issues can be very high up the scale which unfortunately means that people get harmed. Some of these issues are very complicated and very hard to treat (for various reasons, access to help being one of them) and its a sad situation for all concerned. When I ran a helpline for 6 years it was a real eye opener, so much deep sadness in fact that after 6 years I could take no more. I had to be there for me this time. Everything is a knock on, and generations of abuse, bad parenting and passed on genetic make up. My life for example was deeply damaged by 1. A Mother with Schizophrenia with no meds (took 8 years to balance her mood swings) who developed Schizophrenia from being raped by her father when she was 8 years old.
2. My first Marriage to a woman who was badly damaged by being raped by her father for a period of 10 years from the age of 6 to the age 16 when she ran away from home and slept in telephone boxes for a while. Her father was a Japanese prisoner of war and was tortured by them.
There's a saying which unfortunately holds true with a lot (not all) situations and it simply is this: "Hurt people, hurt people" and its often a subconscious dynamic. You would naturally think that If a child was beaten by his father for example that the kid would never want to be like that as an adult himself but often, hurt people hurt people. Its not uncommon for a beaten child to end up in a gang beating up other kids. All the time he is doing it he hates himself. Its now a psychological problem. "Why do I keep doing this?" (Head in hands) I totally get the anger when someone is mistreated and you have to protect those you love. These problems though often go far deeper than what we can see on the surface and also go back generationally.

[mickd1961]

You have to protect yourself from any behaviours that are bad for you and your self esteem. People have issues from a scale of 1-100 say.
Most peoples issues don't harm anyone except themselves. Others issues can be very high up the scale which unfortunately means that people get harmed. Some of these issues are very complicated and very hard to treat (for various reasons, access to help being one of them) and its a sad situation for all concerned. When I ran a helpline for 6 years it was a real eye opener, so much deep sadness in fact that after 6 years I could take no more. I had to be there for me this time. Everything is a knock on, and generations of abuse, bad parenting and passed on genetic make up. My life for example was deeply damaged by 1. A Mother with Schizophrenia with no meds (took 8 years to balance her mood swings) who developed Schizophrenia from being raped by her father when she was 8 years old.
2. My first Marriage to a woman who was badly damaged by being raped by her father for a period of 10 years from the age of 6 to the age 16 when she ran away from home and slept in telephone boxes for a while. Her father was a Japanese prisoner of war and was tortured by them.
There's a saying which unfortunately holds true with a lot (not all) situations and it simply is this: "Hurt people, hurt people" and it’s often a subconscious dynamic. You would naturally think that If a child was beaten by his father for example that the kid would never want to be like that as an adult himself but often, hurt people hurt people. It’s not uncommon for a beaten child to end up in a gang beating up other kids. All the time he is doing it he hates himself. It’s now a psychological problem. "Why do I keep doing this?" (Head in hands) I totally get the anger when someone is mistreated and you have to protect those you love. These problems though often go far deeper than what we can see on the surface and also go back generationally.

I fully understand your points mate and you know of my issues more than most of my own family even do.

But……this is my daughter and my soon to be 6 year old grandson being dragged down by this bloke, my daughter being systematically, mentally destroyed by him.

A father cannot just sit back forever and watch his child being taken apart piece by piece.

This bloke wouldn’t even engage with my grandson, he basically blanked him even though he has two kids of his own.

This bloke has totally rinsed my daughter as well, living in her house and not contributing a penny.

This is a f u c k ing user, a narcissist and by all accounts, from a friend who’s done some “homework” on him a wannabee bad boy who mixes with some very dangerous blokes.

It’s fine to say about his potential issues and background but why should my daughter and grandson continue to be at risk?

She stayed with him up to now partly because she felt sorry for him, she’s a soft, caring person and overly generous even though she has very little yet he blew all his money on himself and partied and expected her to stay at home and not speak to friends!

Sorry, I have to strongly disagree with you on this……his issues are HIS issues, I really couldn’t give a toss if he dies in a gutter, he’s a selfish, narcissistic Nomark who has controlled and destroyed my daughters self confidence.

It’s good that you can find pity for him…..I’m afraid I can’t.

[boingy]

I fully understand your points mate and you know of my issues more than most of my own family even do.

But……this is my daughter and my soon to be 6 year old grandson being dragged down by this bloke, my daughter being systematically, mentally destroyed by him.

A father cannot just sit back forever and watch his child being taken apart piece by piece.

This bloke wouldn’t even engage with my grandson, he basically blanked him even though he has two kids of his own.

This bloke has totally rinsed my daughter as well, living in her house and not contributing a penny.

This is a f u c k ing user, a narcissist and by all accounts, from a friend who’s done some “homework” on him a wannabee bad boy who mixes with some very dangerous blokes.

It’s fine to say about his potential issues and background but why should my daughter and grandson continue to be at risk?

She stayed with him up to now partly because she felt sorry for him, she’s a soft, caring person and overly generous even though she has very little yet he blew all his money on himself and partied and expected her to stay at home and not speak to friends!

Sorry, I have to strongly disagree with you on this……his issues are HIS issues, I really couldn’t give a toss if he dies in a gutter, he’s a selfish, narcissistic Nomark who has controlled and destroyed my daughters self confidence.

It’s good that you can find pity for him…..I’m afraid I can’t.

I totally understand Mick. My point is simply that it is a sad world. Controlling behaviour is often born from having no sense of control, often from past issues. If I was in your position I would strongly be protecting my family. It’s not that I pity him so much as pity the entire human race for producing these problems.

[Omegstrat6]

I totally get the "hurt people hurt people" saying and there is plenty of evidence to show that abusers have mostly been abused themselves for example. In the case of my lads ex , however, whilst her parents split when she was quite young and I don't doubt that that effected her, I also very much doubt that it explains the sheer level of controlling behaviour and vile accusations she is making.

Guess it comes down to the old "nature v nurture" argument. How people are raised and the experiences they have in life can certainly have a major impact and be very damaging. But I also firmly believe that some people have an inherent propensity for certain behaviours. If those on the autistic spectrum are born with this (and research shows they may have differences on a genetic level) why cannot others be born narcissistic or psychopathic? This may be due to chemical imbalances or genetic. Can people be "born evil"? I don't know-but I have met a few individuals where I have experienced a frisson of danger which is a deep buried, instinctive, defence mechanism we still retain and one which we would do well not to ignore.

Regardless of whether the cause of some people's violent or abusive behaviour is a result of a trauma suffered/nurture or is an inherent trait they cannot change (nature) it still has to be challenged and dealt with. Of course far more should be done to help both but it is surely equally - indeed more -important to protect others from their actions and behaviours.

[mickd1961]

I totally get the "hurt people hurt people" saying and there is plenty of evidence to show that abusers have mostly been abused themselves for example. In the case of my lads ex , however, whilst her parents split when she was quite young and I don't doubt that that effected her, I also very much doubt that it explains the sheer level of controlling behaviour and vile accusations she is making.

Guess it comes down to the old "nature v nurture" argument. How people are raised and the experiences they have in life can certainly have a major impact and be very damaging. But I also firmly believe that some people have an inherent propensity for certain behaviours. If those on the autistic spectrum are born with this (and research shows they may have differences on a genetic level) why cannot others be born narcissistic or psychopathic? This may be due to chemical imbalances or genetic. Can people be "born evil"? I don't know-but I have met a few individuals where I have experienced a frisson of danger which is a deep buried, instinctive, defence mechanism we still retain and one which we would do well not to ignore.

Regardless of whether the cause of some people's violent or abusive behaviour is a result of a trauma suffered/nurture or is an inherent trait they cannot change (nature) it still has to be challenged and dealt with. Of course far more should be done to help both but it is surely equally - indeed more -important to protect others from their actions and behaviours.

This is a very good post.

This vermin actually seemed to derive pleasure from sapping everything from my daughter.

How much damage has he already done to my grandson by totally blanking him…….I guess we’ll live with the consequences of that as he gets older.

If this guy got hit by a bus tomorrow I wouldn’t even blink, I’d happily p I s s on his grave.

Some people are unable to be saved.

You’ve got to want to change, it’s not up to other people to make you better.

[WBA1955]

I have never experienced it personally but I can sympathise with people who have had this happen to them and their families.

[westcountryvillain]

Very sad reading all of this but essential nonetheless, my heart goes out to those affected. I feel that at the heart of it all is a compulsion to control others, it's a power thing - narcissists think they are more important than anyone else so play "games", it's just the levels that differ.

Mick your daughter sounds like a lovely person, you probably know this already but just in case, once bitten twice shy doesn't seem to apply in these scenarios, people affected by coercive behaviour are likely to get into relationships with another lowlife.

[baggieal]

Sadly the Police don’t get involved unless there’s reported violence. Best to have this guy followed and given a good beating with a brutal warning if he goes within 100 foot of her again. Only way!