O/T Dad Jokes 3

[phild]

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When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a womans body - then I was born

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that its perfectly normal to accidentally sh1t ya pants - but he's still making fun of me

I refused to believe that my roadworker dad was stealing from his job - but when I got home all the signs were there

I asked a guy at the station when the next train was coming - he said look online - I said thats a bit dangerous isnt it?

What do you call a man with a rubber toe - Roberto

I wrote a song about a tortilla - well actually its more of a wrap

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while

My first house had a four foot high ceiling, I couldn’t stand living there

For Sale Sooty and Sweep puppets any offer accepted, I just want them off my hands

I've decided to get velcro shoes instead of laces, why not??

Everyone says I excel at my job fertilising fields but its simple - all I do is spreadsheet

I have 2 boys five and six - we’re no good at naming things in our house

Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan? - because they heard he swings both ways

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me

What do you call a cow walking backward - moo walking

What does Charles dickens keep in his spice rack - the best of thymes, the worst of thymes

I used to have a job collecting leaves I was raking it in

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter - how dairy!!!

Two elephants meet a naked bloke - after a while one elephant says to the other 'I really dont know how he can feed himself with that thing'

************ That'ii do - for now*********

[9goals2hattricks3pen]

I do a few minutes of stand up each year at the Village Xmas Party. Will definitely be including some of these. If you have anymore equally cringe worthy if you can send by Dec 12th I will include.

Thanks Phil

[Grand Wazoo]

My favourite: Two cannibals eating a clown, and one says to the other, ''Does this taste funny to you?''

[Leicesterbaggie]

My favourite: Do you talk to your wife after making love? Yes, if there’s a phone handy.