O/T Dad Jokes 4

[phild]

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I was asked to help design the first monopoly board - I thought, 'I’ll give it a go’

I was out walking the dogs today and someone asked me if they were jack Russells, I replied "no they’re mine"

My wife said I dont isten to her anymore, or something like that

What do you call a bee that cant make up its mind - a maybe

I went in to a pet shop and said "can I buy a goldfish' the guy said "do you want an aquarium' I said "I dont care what star sign it is"

What do you call a farmer that doesn't like tractors anymore? - an extractor fan

The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle died yesterday - his wife is said to be in 1500 pieces

A friend of mine just lost his job at the mint factory - his wife went absolutely menthol

How many ears does captain kirk have - three. One left ear, one right ear and the final front ear

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning - 'I don't believe you" replies dolly ‘its true, no bull"

I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes - she had a dirty habit

What cheese is made backwards - edam

A little boy came up to me and said "please help, my dad is in a fight" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him which ones ya dad he replied "I dont know thats what they’re fighting about"

People often ask me why I wanted to be a film editor, well to cut a long story short

My pet mouse elvis died last night - he was caught in a trap

Patient: Doc I cant stop singing the green green grass of home
Doc: that sounds like tom jones syndrome
Patient: is it common?
Doc: well, its not unusual

A group of chess players booked into a hotel and stood in the lobby talking about their tournament victories suddenly the manager came out and asked them to disperse - "but why"? they asked - "because I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

Me: can you teach me to do the splits?
gym instructor: how flexible are ya?
me: Well, i cant make Tuesday's

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke

[Grand Wazoo]

My wife's a Red Head. No hair just a red head.

[9goals2hattricks3pen]

Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets or as most people call them relatives in the spare room

[TipperaryBaggie]

Sitting here watching the rain lashing against the window, I thought I'd try to brighten up the day. How about this one

Last night my wife told me to come into the bedroom and she'll put on her little black lace number. I said no thanks, I can't stand Agadoo!

[yoonited]

The wife came in the bedroom last night whilst I was lying on the bed slowly pulling off the boxers. "You spoil those dogs!" she said.

[yoonited]

I don't know how much I had to drink last night but I woke up in a bed stinking of piss, in a big patch of love juice, with an ugly great fat tattooed munter lying next to me which was snoring like a pig and had skid marks up the back of it's nightie. I thought to myself "Well at least I made it home!"

[yoonited]

The wife suffers from 'Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome'. It's a hormonal illness causing mood swings, low s e x drive and psychotic behaviour, so it's very difficult to detect.

[9goals2hattricks3pen]

Viagra may not make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore

[yoonited]

I was very disappointed with my HRH Prince Andrew advent calendar, I could only get flaps 12-16 to open. I also bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar but every door I opened just said "**** OFF!" So finally I bought the British IBS Society charity advent calendar, FFS somebody hurry up and open a door!

[phild]

This was an actual TV AD before it was eventually banned - click the link and skip the flippin ads

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gBRQWVa_XI